Lost between 15-20 lbs.
Ate Tilapia and Cauliflower twice today. Ate tiny bites well-chewed, but still, real food.
Egg whites need to have milk, dash salt, chili pepper, and ground pepper, fork whipped, fried in Pam, and sprinkled with low-fat Mexican cheese. Otherwise throw them out.
Get 32 oz. fluid intake and your milk intake by using decaf coffee poured over ice with milk and Splenda. Sip slowly and enjoy. One in the morning, one in the afternoon.
Refried beans with green chiles, sprinkled with low-fat Mexican cheese, with green hot sauce, tastes pretty good and gives you protein.
Protein comes before everything else. Eat it first and most. The stomach doesn't hold a lot and the body needs protein to heal and to keep the body from losing muscle while losing weight.
Feel free to fart frequently.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Wow!
Wow! I just reread yesterday's post. I must have had that one percolating for a long time.
I wonder if those of you who don't really struggle with this eating disorder know what its like to sit and listen when you make comments about other people's weight, when you brush off the seriousness of the disease by saying, "Oh, everyone struggles with that!"
No, they don't. Other people may have to watch their weight or think they have to watch their weight. They may have a few pounds to lose. If they are successful they are quick to tell everyone what worked for them, especially to those who have much more to lose than they did. But they don't wake up fixated on what food they'll eat that day. Food doesn't dominate their lives. It hasn't wrecked their health.
So many women talk about their weight and their need to lose pounds when the only thing wrong with them is poor body image and falling for the fashion industries anorexic portrayal of what women are supposed to look like.
Most of us who have this disease would give almost anything to look like you. I would give anything to look the way I did as a teenager--when I thought I was fat and first started dieting.
You may never directly have criticized us or put us down. You may never directly have implied that we should have more willpower. You don't have to. We internalize all the looks and comments you make about others and about yourselves and your imaginary fat. We supply the shame ourselves.
And shame turns into blame. It's society's fault, it's my parent's fault, it's emotional eating, it's the result of being depressed, ADHD, whatever.
Those can be contributing factors. But basically, we were born with a predisposition to food addiction--some more severely than others. This is not gluttony. We eat out of compulsion. Some days we fight the compulsion more successfully than others.
Some of the shame we feel dies away when we know and can accept that those compulsions are part of the way we were made, like the color of our eyes, or having knock knees. Seeking medical solutions is a healthy way to take care of ourselves--like my granddaughter getting orthotics to help straighten out her rapidly growing legs to prevent future problems.
Praise God for supplying our needs medically--for inspiring Dr.s to come up with improved methods to help us beat this life-threatening disease. Maybe we need to come up with marathons and walkathons and purple ribbons to raise money and awareness and to show support for those of us fighting this disease. Purple because our hearts are wounded. Purple because all the other good colors are taken. Purple because we too, are God's childen. That makes us royalty.
I wonder if those of you who don't really struggle with this eating disorder know what its like to sit and listen when you make comments about other people's weight, when you brush off the seriousness of the disease by saying, "Oh, everyone struggles with that!"
No, they don't. Other people may have to watch their weight or think they have to watch their weight. They may have a few pounds to lose. If they are successful they are quick to tell everyone what worked for them, especially to those who have much more to lose than they did. But they don't wake up fixated on what food they'll eat that day. Food doesn't dominate their lives. It hasn't wrecked their health.
So many women talk about their weight and their need to lose pounds when the only thing wrong with them is poor body image and falling for the fashion industries anorexic portrayal of what women are supposed to look like.
Most of us who have this disease would give almost anything to look like you. I would give anything to look the way I did as a teenager--when I thought I was fat and first started dieting.
You may never directly have criticized us or put us down. You may never directly have implied that we should have more willpower. You don't have to. We internalize all the looks and comments you make about others and about yourselves and your imaginary fat. We supply the shame ourselves.
And shame turns into blame. It's society's fault, it's my parent's fault, it's emotional eating, it's the result of being depressed, ADHD, whatever.
Those can be contributing factors. But basically, we were born with a predisposition to food addiction--some more severely than others. This is not gluttony. We eat out of compulsion. Some days we fight the compulsion more successfully than others.
Some of the shame we feel dies away when we know and can accept that those compulsions are part of the way we were made, like the color of our eyes, or having knock knees. Seeking medical solutions is a healthy way to take care of ourselves--like my granddaughter getting orthotics to help straighten out her rapidly growing legs to prevent future problems.
Praise God for supplying our needs medically--for inspiring Dr.s to come up with improved methods to help us beat this life-threatening disease. Maybe we need to come up with marathons and walkathons and purple ribbons to raise money and awareness and to show support for those of us fighting this disease. Purple because our hearts are wounded. Purple because all the other good colors are taken. Purple because we too, are God's childen. That makes us royalty.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Guilt, Shame, and Other Ineffective Motivators
Let me get this right out in front. Food addiction is not sin. Glorying in it is. Flaunting it is. Refusing to do anything about it is.
Using willpower doesn't work for long except in very anal people, which I am not. For most of us, this is the thorn in the flesh that God refuses to remove, despite ernest prayer and pleas. Different methods work for different people, but having people guilt you, shame you, humiliate you, preach at you, quote Bible verses to you, tell you you just need willpower, or to pray harder, doesn't work. In fact, most of these things backfire, cause even more guilt and shame than we already carry, and drive us deeper into the food.
Scientists are working on drugs that work on those addiction centers of the brain that control the cravings for over-eating as well as other addictions. This is a brain-based disease and most of us can trace the cravings back to early childhood whether our bodies reflected the disorder or not.
Most of us have fought long and hard to contain the cravings. Yet the disease grows along with our hopelessness. We lose weight only to regain it with interest.
In addition to the cravings for the substance itself, food is a proven numbing medication for issues like sexual and physical abuse, service to others at the expense of taking care of ourselves, stuffing our feelings and not speaking up for ourselves, depression, and in my case I would add, ADHD.
For me, food helps me concentrate and sit still. The restlessness that overwhelms me, the stillness and concentration that society and social convention require from me are brought under control with food--especially chocolate.
This is the only addiction that requires you to indulge it 3x a day. We can't live with food and we can't live without it.
Don't judge us. Don't give us advice. Pray for us. Love us. Accept us the way we are. This is a disease of silence. but our bodies speak louder than our words. Encourage us to break our silence, to talk about the pain of our condition--which is the human condition, under which all creation groans, waiting for that final redemption.
Using willpower doesn't work for long except in very anal people, which I am not. For most of us, this is the thorn in the flesh that God refuses to remove, despite ernest prayer and pleas. Different methods work for different people, but having people guilt you, shame you, humiliate you, preach at you, quote Bible verses to you, tell you you just need willpower, or to pray harder, doesn't work. In fact, most of these things backfire, cause even more guilt and shame than we already carry, and drive us deeper into the food.
Scientists are working on drugs that work on those addiction centers of the brain that control the cravings for over-eating as well as other addictions. This is a brain-based disease and most of us can trace the cravings back to early childhood whether our bodies reflected the disorder or not.
Most of us have fought long and hard to contain the cravings. Yet the disease grows along with our hopelessness. We lose weight only to regain it with interest.
In addition to the cravings for the substance itself, food is a proven numbing medication for issues like sexual and physical abuse, service to others at the expense of taking care of ourselves, stuffing our feelings and not speaking up for ourselves, depression, and in my case I would add, ADHD.
For me, food helps me concentrate and sit still. The restlessness that overwhelms me, the stillness and concentration that society and social convention require from me are brought under control with food--especially chocolate.
This is the only addiction that requires you to indulge it 3x a day. We can't live with food and we can't live without it.
Don't judge us. Don't give us advice. Pray for us. Love us. Accept us the way we are. This is a disease of silence. but our bodies speak louder than our words. Encourage us to break our silence, to talk about the pain of our condition--which is the human condition, under which all creation groans, waiting for that final redemption.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Obsession Lurks
I thoroughly enjoyed eating chicken today at my grandson's birthday party. (I also thoroughly enjoyed the party and playing with my grandkids.) I was careful to chew each piece to mush before swallowing and to avoid drinking liquids for half an hour before and after. I also had a little hummus, which, like the refried beans I'm allowed to have, is fairly high protein. If I could have eaten more, I would. The taste was amazing and I enjoyed each bite. The temptation to keep eating, however slowly, however uncomfortable I was, was unbelievable. I was grateful for my new stomach which did the weighing and measuring for me, and for the knowledge that I'd be in pain and would throw up if I kept eating.
Some of the food nazis I met in Overeater's Anonymous are convinced that sugar is behind food addiction. Sugar and carbs--particularly simple carbs. Shoot your blood sugar up and you shoot up your cravings. Eliminate all sugar from your diet and you'll eliminate the cravings. They search for carbs in everything they might eat like gold miners panning for gold. Well, I was doing pure protein with the chicken and I've been on high protein for a couple of weeks and my addiction was triggered by a non-carb. It was the taste, smell and sight of food I really love.
Does it help to greatly reduce simple sugars? Sure. Does it eliminate the cravings? No. Only God can do that since they have not yet come up with a really effective medical solution, and it seems he prefers I continue to struggle.
So the choice is: do I go through the struggle with him or without him? Do I allow the struggle to draw me closer to him and make me more dependant on him? Do I continue to be transparent and honest about this struggle in this blog or do I fudge over these issues and be a Polyanna Chrsitian?
I learned to work a 12 step program in Alanon and OA and it always comes back to the first 3 steps.
1. Admitted I was powerless over (whatever your obsession may be) and its making my life unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to my Higher Power.
One day at a time, one minute at a time, one swallow at a time, one bite at a time
Some of the food nazis I met in Overeater's Anonymous are convinced that sugar is behind food addiction. Sugar and carbs--particularly simple carbs. Shoot your blood sugar up and you shoot up your cravings. Eliminate all sugar from your diet and you'll eliminate the cravings. They search for carbs in everything they might eat like gold miners panning for gold. Well, I was doing pure protein with the chicken and I've been on high protein for a couple of weeks and my addiction was triggered by a non-carb. It was the taste, smell and sight of food I really love.
Does it help to greatly reduce simple sugars? Sure. Does it eliminate the cravings? No. Only God can do that since they have not yet come up with a really effective medical solution, and it seems he prefers I continue to struggle.
So the choice is: do I go through the struggle with him or without him? Do I allow the struggle to draw me closer to him and make me more dependant on him? Do I continue to be transparent and honest about this struggle in this blog or do I fudge over these issues and be a Polyanna Chrsitian?
I learned to work a 12 step program in Alanon and OA and it always comes back to the first 3 steps.
1. Admitted I was powerless over (whatever your obsession may be) and its making my life unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to my Higher Power.
One day at a time, one minute at a time, one swallow at a time, one bite at a time
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Joy of Food
Today I went shopping for food. I fixed food for myself, something I seldom do. Food addiction robbed me of the joy of picking out food from the grocery store and fixing it. I avoided both in an effort to prevent triggering over-eating. But today I had the challenge of making egg whites taste good. I tried chili powder, ground black pepper, a sprinkling of salt and a sprinkling of lowfat cheddar cheese. Not bad.
Food addiction robs us of so much joy. The joy of really enjoying our food. We gobble it without tasting, or we only taste the first few bites. Going through a store with food triggers cravings. Cooking food triggers craving. If we make something the way we really like it, we can't stop eating it. We eat out because quantities are limited. Except that everything is supersized.
Maybe I can get that joy back. I remember cooking by the seat of my pants, a little of this, a little of that, what's in the cabinets and fridge, what will happen if I put this with that, probably better never make that again, that was surprisingly tasty. Couldn't follow a recipe to save my life. Couldn't go to the grocery store with a list and come home with everything on it. But I liked cooking.
I'm on soft foods for 2 weeks. I'm actually excited about seeing what I can do with some limited options. I'm even planning ways to make the food something my husband might even eat.
Joy. Joy of food. Joy of cooking. Joy of life. The way God intended it to be. I don't want to go back to the way life is not supposed to be. The joy of the Lord will have to be my strength.
Food addiction robs us of so much joy. The joy of really enjoying our food. We gobble it without tasting, or we only taste the first few bites. Going through a store with food triggers cravings. Cooking food triggers craving. If we make something the way we really like it, we can't stop eating it. We eat out because quantities are limited. Except that everything is supersized.
Maybe I can get that joy back. I remember cooking by the seat of my pants, a little of this, a little of that, what's in the cabinets and fridge, what will happen if I put this with that, probably better never make that again, that was surprisingly tasty. Couldn't follow a recipe to save my life. Couldn't go to the grocery store with a list and come home with everything on it. But I liked cooking.
I'm on soft foods for 2 weeks. I'm actually excited about seeing what I can do with some limited options. I'm even planning ways to make the food something my husband might even eat.
Joy. Joy of food. Joy of cooking. Joy of life. The way God intended it to be. I don't want to go back to the way life is not supposed to be. The joy of the Lord will have to be my strength.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Taking the Bad with the Good
I'm crabby. I haven't been kind to my husband. We are in the middle of a heat wave and our air has been out. I'm trying to sleep at home, since I didn't sleep well at my mother's. Also, 2 nights in a row, the laxative I took before going to bed came back up on me. Last night was particularly bad. I don't think it ever dissolved and went down the donut hole. Maybe it was oil and floated. It hit the back of my throat and I woke up coughing and gagging to the point of having trouble breathing. Without thinking I'd reswallowed the mess along with all the saliva that'd been activated. My poor little new tummy. It all came up again and I ended up for the next hour coughing and spitting out or wiping out all the saliva and phlegm out of my mouth so my tummy would get a rest. Plus the pain of swallowing was back.
Setbacks are part of life. I will not take that particular laxative again and certainly not at that time. I realized that I might have some real difficulties whenever I get a cold. I don't want to even think about stomach "flu." Fortunately I don't get frequent colds (I think I had one last year) and I get a stomach bug about once every 5-7 years. I really hate throwing up so that's an added incentive to keep the amount of food in my stomach small.
Right now my tummy holds about 2 oz. Once healed it will hold closer to 6 oz. That's a fraction of what it used to hold.
It's midnight and the house has not yet cooled down at all. I've apologized to my husband. My tummy had a different laxative much earlier and everything seems quite settled. Hopefully I'm so tired I'll sleep despite the heat. I'll position the fan to blow on me.
On the blessing side, I went to my daughter's house to stay cool and babysat my 2 yr. old grandson Joshua. He was a joy to be with and enjoyed eating all of my special foods with me. I brought plenty because I knew that would happen. He kissed my tummy to make it better when I showed him the bruising and incision so he would know he couldn't maul me the way he frequently does.
Thank you Lord for providing the medical means to help me get this disease under control. Thank you for grandchildren who make having the surgery to regain my health all worth while. Thank you for air conditioning and for having to live and sleep without it so that I will once again appreciate it. Thank you for setbacks that make me apprecaite when all is going well. Thank you for cream of chicken soup. Every drop was delicious.
Setbacks are part of life. I will not take that particular laxative again and certainly not at that time. I realized that I might have some real difficulties whenever I get a cold. I don't want to even think about stomach "flu." Fortunately I don't get frequent colds (I think I had one last year) and I get a stomach bug about once every 5-7 years. I really hate throwing up so that's an added incentive to keep the amount of food in my stomach small.
Right now my tummy holds about 2 oz. Once healed it will hold closer to 6 oz. That's a fraction of what it used to hold.
It's midnight and the house has not yet cooled down at all. I've apologized to my husband. My tummy had a different laxative much earlier and everything seems quite settled. Hopefully I'm so tired I'll sleep despite the heat. I'll position the fan to blow on me.
On the blessing side, I went to my daughter's house to stay cool and babysat my 2 yr. old grandson Joshua. He was a joy to be with and enjoyed eating all of my special foods with me. I brought plenty because I knew that would happen. He kissed my tummy to make it better when I showed him the bruising and incision so he would know he couldn't maul me the way he frequently does.
Thank you Lord for providing the medical means to help me get this disease under control. Thank you for grandchildren who make having the surgery to regain my health all worth while. Thank you for air conditioning and for having to live and sleep without it so that I will once again appreciate it. Thank you for setbacks that make me apprecaite when all is going well. Thank you for cream of chicken soup. Every drop was delicious.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Mindfulness
I'm adding real food, real liquid food. I had a small amount of cream of tomato soup today. I enjoyed every drop, and that's how I drank/ate it--drop by drop. At least I started out that way. Although I continued to eat drop by drop, I stopped being aware of the taste and the eating became automatic until suddenly my final swallow ended up right back in my mouth. Suddenly I was aware of the taste again. There's a Hindu philosophy/practice called mindfulness. I don't know a lot about it, but it sounds like trying to be aware constantly of all the tastes, sights sounds, textures, smells we are experiencing. It involves being fully present in the moment.
Food isn't the only thing I'm not mindful of or present for. In fact, food is one of the things that keeps me from being mindful of and fully present for my own life. It's just one of the drugs I use. I tend to inhale mystery books the way I inhale food. I'm so busy racing to figure out who done it I seldom stop to savor the writing (though frankly, most books aren't well-written enough to deserve that kind of treatment.) I read a book by Dean Koontz yesterday involving a character named Odd Thomas. It was incredibly well-written, so well-written I re-read paragraphs to figure out the meaning of odd phrasing, savor philosophical discussions, and delight in eerily beautiful descriptions.
Maybe you've seen the movie "Click" with Adam Sandler. Adam acquires a special remote that allows him to fast forward on automatic pilot those areas of life that bore him, or exhaust him. He soon finds he can't control the remote and it fast forwards him through things he didn't want to miss.
Mindfulness sounds to me like something I need to do. Be present in the moment. Enjoy every bite, savor every drop--not only of food but of life. Even when my ADHD takes me on unexpected mental vacations, I want to be more consciously aware of my thoughts. I often have great ideas. Then I don't write them down and I lose them.
I think Jesus lived in the present all the time. He was always fully aware of the moment. He rebuked those who tried to diminish those moments. "Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not, for of such is the kingdom of heaven." Why are you bothering this woman, she has done a beautiful thing to me." And finally, fully conscious, "Father, into your hands, I commend my spirit."
Food isn't the only thing I'm not mindful of or present for. In fact, food is one of the things that keeps me from being mindful of and fully present for my own life. It's just one of the drugs I use. I tend to inhale mystery books the way I inhale food. I'm so busy racing to figure out who done it I seldom stop to savor the writing (though frankly, most books aren't well-written enough to deserve that kind of treatment.) I read a book by Dean Koontz yesterday involving a character named Odd Thomas. It was incredibly well-written, so well-written I re-read paragraphs to figure out the meaning of odd phrasing, savor philosophical discussions, and delight in eerily beautiful descriptions.
Maybe you've seen the movie "Click" with Adam Sandler. Adam acquires a special remote that allows him to fast forward on automatic pilot those areas of life that bore him, or exhaust him. He soon finds he can't control the remote and it fast forwards him through things he didn't want to miss.
Mindfulness sounds to me like something I need to do. Be present in the moment. Enjoy every bite, savor every drop--not only of food but of life. Even when my ADHD takes me on unexpected mental vacations, I want to be more consciously aware of my thoughts. I often have great ideas. Then I don't write them down and I lose them.
I think Jesus lived in the present all the time. He was always fully aware of the moment. He rebuked those who tried to diminish those moments. "Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not, for of such is the kingdom of heaven." Why are you bothering this woman, she has done a beautiful thing to me." And finally, fully conscious, "Father, into your hands, I commend my spirit."
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