Guilt, Shame, and Other Ineffective Motivators

Let me get this right out in front. Food addiction is not sin. Glorying in it is. Flaunting it is. Refusing to do anything about it is.

Using willpower doesn't work for long except in very anal people, which I am not. For most of us, this is the thorn in the flesh that God refuses to remove, despite ernest prayer and pleas. Different methods work for different people, but having people guilt you, shame you, humiliate you, preach at you, quote Bible verses to you, tell you you just need willpower, or to pray harder, doesn't work. In fact, most of these things backfire, cause even more guilt and shame than we already carry, and drive us deeper into the food.

Scientists are working on drugs that work on those addiction centers of the brain that control the cravings for over-eating as well as other addictions. This is a brain-based disease and most of us can trace the cravings back to early childhood whether our bodies reflected the disorder or not.

Most of us have fought long and hard to contain the cravings. Yet the disease grows along with our hopelessness. We lose weight only to regain it with interest.

In addition to the cravings for the substance itself, food is a proven numbing medication for issues like sexual and physical abuse, service to others at the expense of taking care of ourselves, stuffing our feelings and not speaking up for ourselves, depression, and in my case I would add, ADHD.

For me, food helps me concentrate and sit still. The restlessness that overwhelms me, the stillness and concentration that society and social convention require from me are brought under control with food--especially chocolate.

This is the only addiction that requires you to indulge it 3x a day. We can't live with food and we can't live without it.

Don't judge us. Don't give us advice. Pray for us. Love us. Accept us the way we are. This is a disease of silence. but our bodies speak louder than our words. Encourage us to break our silence, to talk about the pain of our condition--which is the human condition, under which all creation groans, waiting for that final redemption.

Obsession Lurks

I thoroughly enjoyed eating chicken today at my grandson's birthday party. (I also thoroughly enjoyed the party and playing with my grandkids.) I was careful to chew each piece to mush before swallowing and to avoid drinking liquids for half an hour before and after. I also had a little hummus, which, like the refried beans I'm allowed to have, is fairly high protein. If I could have eaten more, I would. The taste was amazing and I enjoyed each bite. The temptation to keep eating, however slowly, however uncomfortable I was, was unbelievable. I was grateful for my new stomach which did the weighing and measuring for me, and for the knowledge that I'd be in pain and would throw up if I kept eating.

Some of the food nazis I met in Overeater's Anonymous are convinced that sugar is behind food addiction. Sugar and carbs--particularly simple carbs. Shoot your blood sugar up and you shoot up your cravings. Eliminate all sugar from your diet and you'll eliminate the cravings. They search for carbs in everything they might eat like gold miners panning for gold. Well, I was doing pure protein with the chicken and I've been on high protein for a couple of weeks and my addiction was triggered by a non-carb. It was the taste, smell and sight of food I really love.

Does it help to greatly reduce simple sugars? Sure. Does it eliminate the cravings? No. Only God can do that since they have not yet come up with a really effective medical solution, and it seems he prefers I continue to struggle.

So the choice is: do I go through the struggle with him or without him? Do I allow the struggle to draw me closer to him and make me more dependant on him? Do I continue to be transparent and honest about this struggle in this blog or do I fudge over these issues and be a Polyanna Chrsitian?

I learned to work a 12 step program in Alanon and OA and it always comes back to the first 3 steps.

1. Admitted I was powerless over (whatever your obsession may be) and its making my life unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to my Higher Power.

One day at a time, one minute at a time, one swallow at a time, one bite at a time

Joy of Food

Today I went shopping for food. I fixed food for myself, something I seldom do. Food addiction robbed me of the joy of picking out food from the grocery store and fixing it. I avoided both in an effort to prevent triggering over-eating. But today I had the challenge of making egg whites taste good. I tried chili powder, ground black pepper, a sprinkling of salt and a sprinkling of lowfat cheddar cheese. Not bad.

Food addiction robs us of so much joy. The joy of really enjoying our food. We gobble it without tasting, or we only taste the first few bites. Going through a store with food triggers cravings. Cooking food triggers craving. If we make something the way we really like it, we can't stop eating it. We eat out because quantities are limited. Except that everything is supersized.

Maybe I can get that joy back. I remember cooking by the seat of my pants, a little of this, a little of that, what's in the cabinets and fridge, what will happen if I put this with that, probably better never make that again, that was surprisingly tasty. Couldn't follow a recipe to save my life. Couldn't go to the grocery store with a list and come home with everything on it. But I liked cooking.

I'm on soft foods for 2 weeks. I'm actually excited about seeing what I can do with some limited options. I'm even planning ways to make the food something my husband might even eat.

Joy. Joy of food. Joy of cooking. Joy of life. The way God intended it to be. I don't want to go back to the way life is not supposed to be. The joy of the Lord will have to be my strength.

Taking the Bad with the Good

I'm crabby. I haven't been kind to my husband. We are in the middle of a heat wave and our air has been out. I'm trying to sleep at home, since I didn't sleep well at my mother's. Also, 2 nights in a row, the laxative I took before going to bed came back up on me. Last night was particularly bad. I don't think it ever dissolved and went down the donut hole. Maybe it was oil and floated. It hit the back of my throat and I woke up coughing and gagging to the point of having trouble breathing. Without thinking I'd reswallowed the mess along with all the saliva that'd been activated. My poor little new tummy. It all came up again and I ended up for the next hour coughing and spitting out or wiping out all the saliva and phlegm out of my mouth so my tummy would get a rest. Plus the pain of swallowing was back.

Setbacks are part of life. I will not take that particular laxative again and certainly not at that time. I realized that I might have some real difficulties whenever I get a cold. I don't want to even think about stomach "flu." Fortunately I don't get frequent colds (I think I had one last year) and I get a stomach bug about once every 5-7 years. I really hate throwing up so that's an added incentive to keep the amount of food in my stomach small.

Right now my tummy holds about 2 oz. Once healed it will hold closer to 6 oz. That's a fraction of what it used to hold.

It's midnight and the house has not yet cooled down at all. I've apologized to my husband. My tummy had a different laxative much earlier and everything seems quite settled. Hopefully I'm so tired I'll sleep despite the heat. I'll position the fan to blow on me.

On the blessing side, I went to my daughter's house to stay cool and babysat my 2 yr. old grandson Joshua. He was a joy to be with and enjoyed eating all of my special foods with me. I brought plenty because I knew that would happen. He kissed my tummy to make it better when I showed him the bruising and incision so he would know he couldn't maul me the way he frequently does.

Thank you Lord for providing the medical means to help me get this disease under control. Thank you for grandchildren who make having the surgery to regain my health all worth while. Thank you for air conditioning and for having to live and sleep without it so that I will once again appreciate it. Thank you for setbacks that make me apprecaite when all is going well. Thank you for cream of chicken soup. Every drop was delicious.

Mindfulness

I'm adding real food, real liquid food. I had a small amount of cream of tomato soup today. I enjoyed every drop, and that's how I drank/ate it--drop by drop. At least I started out that way. Although I continued to eat drop by drop, I stopped being aware of the taste and the eating became automatic until suddenly my final swallow ended up right back in my mouth. Suddenly I was aware of the taste again. There's a Hindu philosophy/practice called mindfulness. I don't know a lot about it, but it sounds like trying to be aware constantly of all the tastes, sights sounds, textures, smells we are experiencing. It involves being fully present in the moment.

Food isn't the only thing I'm not mindful of or present for. In fact, food is one of the things that keeps me from being mindful of and fully present for my own life. It's just one of the drugs I use. I tend to inhale mystery books the way I inhale food. I'm so busy racing to figure out who done it I seldom stop to savor the writing (though frankly, most books aren't well-written enough to deserve that kind of treatment.) I read a book by Dean Koontz yesterday involving a character named Odd Thomas. It was incredibly well-written, so well-written I re-read paragraphs to figure out the meaning of odd phrasing, savor philosophical discussions, and delight in eerily beautiful descriptions.

Maybe you've seen the movie "Click" with Adam Sandler. Adam acquires a special remote that allows him to fast forward on automatic pilot those areas of life that bore him, or exhaust him. He soon finds he can't control the remote and it fast forwards him through things he didn't want to miss.

Mindfulness sounds to me like something I need to do. Be present in the moment. Enjoy every bite, savor every drop--not only of food but of life. Even when my ADHD takes me on unexpected mental vacations, I want to be more consciously aware of my thoughts. I often have great ideas. Then I don't write them down and I lose them.

I think Jesus lived in the present all the time. He was always fully aware of the moment. He rebuked those who tried to diminish those moments. "Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not, for of such is the kingdom of heaven." Why are you bothering this woman, she has done a beautiful thing to me." And finally, fully conscious, "Father, into your hands, I commend my spirit."

Now Comes the Hard Part

So, now comes the hard part: facing the addiction. I will be around food the rest of my life. My stomach will heal and start to stretch. The adjustable band will help keep it in check but I can still choose to make less healthy food choices frequently, and overstretch the stomach.

I will be eating a relatively normal, 3 meals a day diet with a small snack or 2. I will still be assaulted by the smell, taste, texture, sight and even sound of food. I'll have to cook food. I'll have to face overflowing buffets at every party I attend. People will talk about food and recipes. They'll even post pictures of their favorite foods on Facebook and describe what they're eating, have eaten, or are going to be eating.

Oh My God Help Me! My husband and I are going to have to sit in separate rooms in the evening because he eats non-stop junk food in front of the TV. He doesn't eat all day and then he eats all night.

But night-time is also when I'm on my computer writing this blog. And I will continue to write because you never become a recovered addict; you only become a recovering one.

There's something about writing. My subconscious comes to the surface and flows through my hands while I type and it appears in print. I can verbalize things I didn't even know I was thinking and feeling. It's like my left brain and right brain get together and try to cooperate for a change.

Every once in a while I write like I'm possessed. I get into a subject--particularly if I see a problem and possible solutions start occurring to me--and ideas fly from my fingers like confetti. That's how it is with this blog right now.

This time the problem is me--dealing with food, dealing with my brain's craving for food, dealing with life without excessive food to medicate my issues.

Having an audience helps hold me accountable. Telling you my story helps me to cope, to heal, and to figure out strategies. Hopefully, it also helps you.

I believe that the Holy Spirit still can inspire written words. Written words can, in turn, inspire others. This is not Holy Scripture, but when I feel compelled to write, I always sense the presence of the Holy Spirit. That can't be a bad thing.

Back to the Womb

The day of surgery I was hooked up to an IV which became my umbilical cord, bringing me nutrients and drugs needed to do the surgery. Now I'm a newborn baby, only able to drink in tiny quantities, not much nourishment yet, quickly filling my tiny tummy. In a couple more days, I'll be drinking richer liquids, but still only in tiny quantities. Gradually I'll be introducing soft baby food, with an emphasis on protein ground to mush. As I tolerate foods, more will be added until I'm eating grown up food--maybe I should qualify that--grown up healthy food.

Thankful I am for a Father who knew me before he formed me in my mother's womb, who knew me and the things I would stuggle with, who knew me and the things I'd be good at, and who has given me an opportunity to reprogram my body and my brain to His honor and glory.

Just like a newborn I'm prone to sharp pains in my tummy that travel up my esophagus. I have to burp up gas after each swallow to help prevent the pain. I could use someone to constantly burp me. If I overfill my tummy, I will throw up.

I am exchanging the freedom to eat what I want, as much as I want, whenever I want, for freedom from the tyranny of food addiction. As far as food is concerned, I've been reborn.

Its not a done deal. Its a process. Its one day at a time. Its letting go and letting God.

God is good--all the time.
All the time--God is good.