My husband and I went to the Taste of Greece today. The weather was perfect. Not hot at all. Sweater weather with a jacket for evening. We ate some interesting food (spanokopita, saganaki, chicken kabob, gelato) listened to some Greek music, and watched some Greek dancing and a belly dancer. She was not skinny and she was not young but she looked great. All her plumper areas were in the right places and jiggled nicely. She was very graceful and the dance was not overtly sexual. Fun.
The circle dances that those with Greek heritage (and a few without) danced were fun to watch and I loved seeing the Greek costumed dancers do their thing. We also saw the Jesse White tumblers. What a treat. Those kids just flew through the air and wowed the crowd.
It was just plain fun. We were going to stay home and do nothing but then I found out this was happening and we decided to go, spur of the moment.
Its so important to incorporate fun stuff into your life. Spontaneous or planned, it sure beats staying home and smelling the mold drifting up from your basement.
Last night I went to a Tastefully Simple party. I knew there would be some former colleagues attending as well as a few current colleagues. I wanted to connect rather than stay home another Friday night and watch lint grow in my navel. Well, I don't actually do that, but sometimes it feels that way.
So both times I had some food outside my food protocol, but I did not overeat. The band is not meant to keep me from participating in life, and good food is part of life. Its just meant to stop me from going overboard and it did its job.
Meanwhile, my blood pressure continues to drop and I was so excited to wear this really cute pair of jeans I picked up at a thrift store a month ago when they were still too tight for me. Now they're just right. I haven't worn flattering jeans for such a long time. I had a really pretty lavender sweater (that matched the flowers on the jeans) that I picked up at a resale shop a couple of weeks ago--a never worn Ralph Lauren.
Tomorrow morning I'm subbing on a praise team at our church. I haven't hardly sung all summer at church and I was so happy to be asked to sing. I'm probably going to get to sing tenor instead of alto, at least on some songs, and that's exciting, too.
I've been hibernating most of the summer, doing a few fun things here and there but limited by my surgery and getting my food protocol established and, of course, having very limited funds with every extra dollar being spent on getting my basement fixed.
This is just a great weekend.
Last night there was an incident that could have sabotaged some of it, but I spoke up for myself and salvaged a good night's sleep. I had been awakened by neighbors playing loud music and talking and laughing loudly at 4 a.m. in the morning. This house has been empty for over a year but it was recently purchased and the buyer has his kids rehabbing the place. Well, one of the kids decided to have a party. I debated what to do and finally decided to put on my housecoat and flipflops and talk to them. It took a lot of pounding on the door before they even heard me.
Fortunately, the girl was quite embarrassed for waking me up and grateful I hadn't called the police. She immediately turned the music off and made everyone shut up. Maybe they all went home. Anyway, I was able to go back to sleep and, for the first time in a long time, I actually was able to sleep in on a Saturday morning. I had taken extended relief Tylenol the night before in addition to my anti-inflammatory and slept and woke up without pain for a change.
If I hadn't taken the Tylenol, even though the kids had quieted down, I would have had trouble getting back to sleep because by then it was almost 5 a.m. and that's when the discomfort normally starts waking me up.
So I get to sing praise to God tomorrow morning early (7:45 a.m. practice) but I should still be well rested. My blog post is finished and I can go to bed on time. Its only 10:30 p.m. instead of 12 midnight, which is when I usually finished posting all summer long.
God is good, all the time.
All the time, God is good.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Its All Relative
Tonight I had my first solid food since getting my fill last Tues. I chewed my chicken to death and did moisten it with gravy. I could feel tightness when I swallowed unless I chewed tiny bites into mush and swallowed only a little at a time. A couple of times I could feel a pb trying to start (productive cough, or as I call it puke back). I wiped the extra saliva out of my mouth and waited it out before cautiously resuming eating.
In case you forgot, food can plug the stoma the band creates and stuff comes back up--especially saliva. The band feels much tighter in the morning so I'll probably do liquids tomorrow but try to eat real food again for supper.
My weight loss has started again. We also realized our blood pressure machine was wrong. We got a new one and its in line with the Dr.s now, and my blood pressure is in normal range with a lot less drugs. My husband found out his blood sugar was higher than mine. Still in the borderline range but barely. So he's cutting way back on carbs and will probably lose more weight.
It is absolutely not fair that men can lose weight so easily. My husband and I are about the same height, I may have half an inch on him, but he has a very slight build. When he gains weight its all in his tummy. The rest of him stays skinny. He also has some of the worst eating habits, barely eating during the day and then eating supper for an hour and dessert or snacks all evenings. (He has modified this because I couldn't take being around so much food all night long.)
His blood pressure and cholesterol are great. The blood sugar is the first sign that his eating habits are starting to cause him trouble. So he threw out all the carbs he had hidden in the house to eat when I'm not around.
When I met him he was a heavy smoker and barely ate except for his snacks. He was so skinny his ribs would poke me when we hugged. I was at a relatively skinny point in my life and was in top shape, walking, swimming, and working the machines at the gym. I went dancing at least once a week. I was still 20 lbs. heavier than he.
He gave up the smoking for me and turned to food and now he's giving up the food. Go Ken!
He's also been dismantling the basement, demolishing all the paneling and ceiling tiles, so that we can get a draintile moat put under the floor to eliminate our water and mold problems. Ken would be the first to admit he's not handy. So far he's stepped on three nails. Fortunately, you only need one tetanus shot. He's doing this for me, too, since I refuse to pay money to have it done. We need the money to pay for the drain tile and possibly a new roof since my current one is leaking again after two days of rain.
That'll pretty much wipe us out and we'll have to slowly redo the basement as savings permit. As long as I have a job, that is. But I can't project too far into the future. We help pay for a child in Kenya to attend school, have a mattress and a lantern to study by, school supplies, a uniform, and one meal a day.
I've walked on Mount Trashmore in the Phillipines and watched the children combing through the trash in unbelievable heat, stench, and humidity for things that could be sold to support their family. These are not people who have to worry about getting a lapband to keep them from eating too much.
Its pretty hard to complain after that. Even when we think we're living in want, we're living in plenty.
Its all relative.
I am content, no matter what my circumstance.
In case you forgot, food can plug the stoma the band creates and stuff comes back up--especially saliva. The band feels much tighter in the morning so I'll probably do liquids tomorrow but try to eat real food again for supper.
My weight loss has started again. We also realized our blood pressure machine was wrong. We got a new one and its in line with the Dr.s now, and my blood pressure is in normal range with a lot less drugs. My husband found out his blood sugar was higher than mine. Still in the borderline range but barely. So he's cutting way back on carbs and will probably lose more weight.
It is absolutely not fair that men can lose weight so easily. My husband and I are about the same height, I may have half an inch on him, but he has a very slight build. When he gains weight its all in his tummy. The rest of him stays skinny. He also has some of the worst eating habits, barely eating during the day and then eating supper for an hour and dessert or snacks all evenings. (He has modified this because I couldn't take being around so much food all night long.)
His blood pressure and cholesterol are great. The blood sugar is the first sign that his eating habits are starting to cause him trouble. So he threw out all the carbs he had hidden in the house to eat when I'm not around.
When I met him he was a heavy smoker and barely ate except for his snacks. He was so skinny his ribs would poke me when we hugged. I was at a relatively skinny point in my life and was in top shape, walking, swimming, and working the machines at the gym. I went dancing at least once a week. I was still 20 lbs. heavier than he.
He gave up the smoking for me and turned to food and now he's giving up the food. Go Ken!
He's also been dismantling the basement, demolishing all the paneling and ceiling tiles, so that we can get a draintile moat put under the floor to eliminate our water and mold problems. Ken would be the first to admit he's not handy. So far he's stepped on three nails. Fortunately, you only need one tetanus shot. He's doing this for me, too, since I refuse to pay money to have it done. We need the money to pay for the drain tile and possibly a new roof since my current one is leaking again after two days of rain.
That'll pretty much wipe us out and we'll have to slowly redo the basement as savings permit. As long as I have a job, that is. But I can't project too far into the future. We help pay for a child in Kenya to attend school, have a mattress and a lantern to study by, school supplies, a uniform, and one meal a day.
I've walked on Mount Trashmore in the Phillipines and watched the children combing through the trash in unbelievable heat, stench, and humidity for things that could be sold to support their family. These are not people who have to worry about getting a lapband to keep them from eating too much.
Its pretty hard to complain after that. Even when we think we're living in want, we're living in plenty.
Its all relative.
I am content, no matter what my circumstance.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
New Hope--Second Lapband Fill
Had my 2nd fill today. Dr. definitely made sure I'd feel some restriction. I think I'll be on liquids for a few days, until the fat pad around my stomach shrinks enough to loosen the band and let a little food through. Absolutely stopped the cravings I was having. I'm back to sipping tiny little sips. No danger of me eating too much. Protein shakes and water are about all I can get down. Have to drink them very slowly.
I also actually got some work done in my classroom today. I finally got all the class lists, and was relieved to see the number of my students who are returning. I'll be working on the schedule and some testing the next few days. I'll also be contacting parents of kids who were marginal whether they needed to see me or not. It helps my bottom line if I do have at least 2 contacts with them a week, since my program gets paid per contact. But these are parents who don't want their children missing a single thing in order to come to me. Other parents are in denial that their child needs help.
I want to keep an assistant 3 days a week and not have to drop to one or two. There's so much organization and paperwork required and that's not the stuff I'm good at. The more student contacts I have, the more $ come in, the more I can do with and for the students. I have some special computer programs that have been shown to improve kids reading scores by an average of one to two years in just 6-12 weeks. The high number of student contacts I maintain is what has paid for the yearly licenses for those programs and my assistant works with those kids on the computer while I teach the rest of the kids.
I also get parent involvement money and money for group counseling provided for the kids based on the number of students I see.
Its all intertwined. The loss of students at RCS impacts my funding and limits what I can do with the kids.
I know its all in God's hands. I just pray that the NCLB funding will come in and pay for me this year (its not in yet), and that next year the new vendor will hire me.
I've made my classroom such an ADHD/ADD friendly place for myself. A good part of that is my assistant who is really more like my partner. I rely heavily on her advice on how to set things up, and I totally rely on her to keep up with all the forms and files.
Meanwhile thanks to the lapband fill, I'm not eating. I had to fight to get the second fill only two weeks after the first fill. I wanted to start the school year with restriction. I didn't want to have to take off work to get the fill. This fill should last quite a while. It may even be the last one I need. It depends on how loose it gets after I lose the next 35 lbs.
I had a student who didn't recognize me at first today. I had my hair up in it's Pebbles Flintstone do. She's used to me with short hair and a much fatter body. LOL.
I'm also working on my DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) pile of clothes. I'm amazed at how fat women's clothes are designed to accommodate a huge weight range. Most of my pants definitely don't fit me, but the tops don't look too bad. Instead of being stretched around my fat, they now drape around me gracefully. I might invest in a decorative, loose belt to upgrade their style a little. Eventually I'll have to cave and get more clothes but for now I'll make do with these clothes and with my thrift store buys.
Last night I felt somewhat hopeless. The return of my cravings threw me for a loop. In the past they could have been the start of regaining, with interest, all the weight I've lost.
Thank God for the lapband. Life's vicissitudes can't throw me back into the food nearly as easily as they did. My optimism about the school year has returned now that I'm not worrying about the food on top of everything else.
I can do all things, through him who strengthens me,
Yes, I can do all things, through him who strengthens me.
I also actually got some work done in my classroom today. I finally got all the class lists, and was relieved to see the number of my students who are returning. I'll be working on the schedule and some testing the next few days. I'll also be contacting parents of kids who were marginal whether they needed to see me or not. It helps my bottom line if I do have at least 2 contacts with them a week, since my program gets paid per contact. But these are parents who don't want their children missing a single thing in order to come to me. Other parents are in denial that their child needs help.
I want to keep an assistant 3 days a week and not have to drop to one or two. There's so much organization and paperwork required and that's not the stuff I'm good at. The more student contacts I have, the more $ come in, the more I can do with and for the students. I have some special computer programs that have been shown to improve kids reading scores by an average of one to two years in just 6-12 weeks. The high number of student contacts I maintain is what has paid for the yearly licenses for those programs and my assistant works with those kids on the computer while I teach the rest of the kids.
I also get parent involvement money and money for group counseling provided for the kids based on the number of students I see.
Its all intertwined. The loss of students at RCS impacts my funding and limits what I can do with the kids.
I know its all in God's hands. I just pray that the NCLB funding will come in and pay for me this year (its not in yet), and that next year the new vendor will hire me.
I've made my classroom such an ADHD/ADD friendly place for myself. A good part of that is my assistant who is really more like my partner. I rely heavily on her advice on how to set things up, and I totally rely on her to keep up with all the forms and files.
Meanwhile thanks to the lapband fill, I'm not eating. I had to fight to get the second fill only two weeks after the first fill. I wanted to start the school year with restriction. I didn't want to have to take off work to get the fill. This fill should last quite a while. It may even be the last one I need. It depends on how loose it gets after I lose the next 35 lbs.
I had a student who didn't recognize me at first today. I had my hair up in it's Pebbles Flintstone do. She's used to me with short hair and a much fatter body. LOL.
I'm also working on my DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) pile of clothes. I'm amazed at how fat women's clothes are designed to accommodate a huge weight range. Most of my pants definitely don't fit me, but the tops don't look too bad. Instead of being stretched around my fat, they now drape around me gracefully. I might invest in a decorative, loose belt to upgrade their style a little. Eventually I'll have to cave and get more clothes but for now I'll make do with these clothes and with my thrift store buys.
Last night I felt somewhat hopeless. The return of my cravings threw me for a loop. In the past they could have been the start of regaining, with interest, all the weight I've lost.
Thank God for the lapband. Life's vicissitudes can't throw me back into the food nearly as easily as they did. My optimism about the school year has returned now that I'm not worrying about the food on top of everything else.
I can do all things, through him who strengthens me,
Yes, I can do all things, through him who strengthens me.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Discouragement
I'm having a hard time with food tonight. I am absolutely craving chocolate and have eaten two Kashi bars just for the taste of the sprinkling of chocolate chips sprinkled inside them. Before that I had trouble stopping myself from eating chicken. I've been craving chocolate for days. I can't wait for my fill tomorrow. It won't take away the craving but it will help limit the damage. Sometimes I actually overeat good-for-me-stuff in order to avoid pigging out on what I crave.
I've been doing so good. So now I've got to figure out why the cravings are so strong. Well, it seems obvious to me. School starts on Wednesday. I have always used food to help me focus and get on task. I miss my drug. It may be that now that my blood pressure is down and I'm on fewer and fewer meds, I may have to see about going on ADHD meds. They have some new ones out that aren't stimulants.
One of the best adult tests for adult ADHD assesses the following five clusters. These remain in adults as hyperactivity and impulsivity characteristic in childhood ADHD diminish.
•Organizing and activating to work.
•Sustaining attention and concentration.
•Sustaining energy and effort.
•Managing affective interference.
•Using working memory and accessing recall.
When I read this yesterday in Psychiatric Times, it was almost more than I could take. I have all five of those symptoms and they are all currently overactive. Chocolate and coffee are particularly effective in self-medicating those symptoms. I drink decaf and I've had very little chocolate since having my lapband surgery. So I'm trying to handle my ADHD without my most effective medicine.
When I was a teenager I lived on chocolate. I never ate breakfast, had a light lunch but ate candy bars whenever available, and ate a hearty supper with chocolate ice cream for dessert. I was very active. When I added coffee in college and as a young mother, chocolate and coffee were my mainstays. I could live my life on chocolate and coffee.
Recently I talked with another bandster who, now that she's lost the weight, lives on chocolate and coffee. She remains very thin. That's an enormous temptation for me. Sometimes I've wondered if I'd mostly eaten that and ate just a little other food, that I might not have gained all the weight. The problem was all the "healthy" food I ate on top of it because I figured I needed the nutrients. And, like today, when I deny myself what I crave, I overeat "healthy" foods.
It's going to be an interesting year. I don't know if there's going to be enough NCLB funding available to keep me and my assistant working. We are paid according to the number of children I see each week. So far, I have no idea how many RCS students are returning. Last year we had 240 total students, this year we are at 140 with school starting in two days. I need my assistant. She does all the paperwork for NCLB, does all the record-keeping and keeps everything organized so I'm free to teach. Last year I cut down to having her two days instead of three, and another assistant two days. This year I won't have the second assistant.
Next year a new vendor will be in charge and is not obligated to hire me. Everytime I walk in my classroom I'm having trouble sitting down and focusing and getting stuff done. I've already talked about how bad my memory's been this summer (and its definitely my working memory, not my longterm that's affected and its affecting my ability to recall information. Well, I can't organize and activate to work, I can't sustain attention and concentration or energy and effort, and I'm not managing affective (emotional) interference.
It will take the pressure of school actually starting to get me to concentrate. That's not unusual for me, to a certain extent it happens every year, but it feels worse this year. So I'm considering medication. Often, for ADHD people, drugs that specifically work on ADHD are necessary to help a person lose weight and maintain weight loss so that they don't use food to self-medicate the ADHD symptoms.
We'll see. I've been on meds before and done very well. But then my blood pressure started going up a little and I panicked. Well, my blood pressure really went up without the ADHD meds as I gained and gained weight. I just hate more Dr.'s visits.
This is my 9th year of teaching at RCS and each year has brought major challenges and I'm constantly adapting to fit the circumstances. The challenge has always helped me to focus. I'm just not sure the challenges I'm facing this year are the kind that will help me focus. I feel like my program is going backwards.
I'm going to see how it goes. I'm scared. All the old feelings of inadequacy about being able to hold down a job are back. So much of my life has been spent hiding my ADHD under a veneer of competency that I couldn't sustain. This job I've done so well because I designed it around my ADHD and haven't tried to disguise it. Now circumstances are changing and its bringing back old fears.
I want to eat.
Lord, I need your help. I'm powerless over food and over my ADHD. I ask you to take over my mind and my stomach. Get me through this time of uncertainty, hold my hand, take care of me.
Amen
I've been doing so good. So now I've got to figure out why the cravings are so strong. Well, it seems obvious to me. School starts on Wednesday. I have always used food to help me focus and get on task. I miss my drug. It may be that now that my blood pressure is down and I'm on fewer and fewer meds, I may have to see about going on ADHD meds. They have some new ones out that aren't stimulants.
One of the best adult tests for adult ADHD assesses the following five clusters. These remain in adults as hyperactivity and impulsivity characteristic in childhood ADHD diminish.
•Organizing and activating to work.
•Sustaining attention and concentration.
•Sustaining energy and effort.
•Managing affective interference.
•Using working memory and accessing recall.
When I read this yesterday in Psychiatric Times, it was almost more than I could take. I have all five of those symptoms and they are all currently overactive. Chocolate and coffee are particularly effective in self-medicating those symptoms. I drink decaf and I've had very little chocolate since having my lapband surgery. So I'm trying to handle my ADHD without my most effective medicine.
When I was a teenager I lived on chocolate. I never ate breakfast, had a light lunch but ate candy bars whenever available, and ate a hearty supper with chocolate ice cream for dessert. I was very active. When I added coffee in college and as a young mother, chocolate and coffee were my mainstays. I could live my life on chocolate and coffee.
Recently I talked with another bandster who, now that she's lost the weight, lives on chocolate and coffee. She remains very thin. That's an enormous temptation for me. Sometimes I've wondered if I'd mostly eaten that and ate just a little other food, that I might not have gained all the weight. The problem was all the "healthy" food I ate on top of it because I figured I needed the nutrients. And, like today, when I deny myself what I crave, I overeat "healthy" foods.
It's going to be an interesting year. I don't know if there's going to be enough NCLB funding available to keep me and my assistant working. We are paid according to the number of children I see each week. So far, I have no idea how many RCS students are returning. Last year we had 240 total students, this year we are at 140 with school starting in two days. I need my assistant. She does all the paperwork for NCLB, does all the record-keeping and keeps everything organized so I'm free to teach. Last year I cut down to having her two days instead of three, and another assistant two days. This year I won't have the second assistant.
Next year a new vendor will be in charge and is not obligated to hire me. Everytime I walk in my classroom I'm having trouble sitting down and focusing and getting stuff done. I've already talked about how bad my memory's been this summer (and its definitely my working memory, not my longterm that's affected and its affecting my ability to recall information. Well, I can't organize and activate to work, I can't sustain attention and concentration or energy and effort, and I'm not managing affective (emotional) interference.
It will take the pressure of school actually starting to get me to concentrate. That's not unusual for me, to a certain extent it happens every year, but it feels worse this year. So I'm considering medication. Often, for ADHD people, drugs that specifically work on ADHD are necessary to help a person lose weight and maintain weight loss so that they don't use food to self-medicate the ADHD symptoms.
We'll see. I've been on meds before and done very well. But then my blood pressure started going up a little and I panicked. Well, my blood pressure really went up without the ADHD meds as I gained and gained weight. I just hate more Dr.'s visits.
This is my 9th year of teaching at RCS and each year has brought major challenges and I'm constantly adapting to fit the circumstances. The challenge has always helped me to focus. I'm just not sure the challenges I'm facing this year are the kind that will help me focus. I feel like my program is going backwards.
I'm going to see how it goes. I'm scared. All the old feelings of inadequacy about being able to hold down a job are back. So much of my life has been spent hiding my ADHD under a veneer of competency that I couldn't sustain. This job I've done so well because I designed it around my ADHD and haven't tried to disguise it. Now circumstances are changing and its bringing back old fears.
I want to eat.
Lord, I need your help. I'm powerless over food and over my ADHD. I ask you to take over my mind and my stomach. Get me through this time of uncertainty, hold my hand, take care of me.
Amen
Friday, August 21, 2009
God's Gift of Music
I love to sing. I'm a competent singer. A good choir voice. I can hear harmonies and read harmonies. I'd never embarass myself by going on American or any other Idol. I have a lot of volume in the lower registers and I can sing soprano falsetto. This comes in handy when I sing along with Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons my "song"--Cheri baby.
I don't have a solo voice and I have absolutely no vibrato. My voice has a tendency to crack every once in a while like a teenage boy's voice, right in the middle of a note. I think I damaged my vocal chords yelling too much as a kid. I have to be very careful forcing my voice or I'll end up with a coughing fit. Yet I sing every chance I can get.
Today I went to a special choir practice and my voice really worked for me once it warmed up. I got to sing tenor which I seldom am needed to do, but its probably the best range for my voice. I can't wait for my regular church choir to get started singing. We sing twice a month and I've missed it over the summer. I'm also singing a song with a mass choir of fellow college alumni at Navy Pier in October. How cool is that!
Just think how many singers would never get an opportunity to use their voices if it weren't for church choirs and praise teams. Just think how much less music there would be in the world if it weren't for Christianity and those who celebrate their faith in song.
When I'm singing hymns and praise songs and gospel songs, I don't think about eating at all. When we do worship on Sunday morning, I am always filled with such joy and gladness, sorrow for sin, and hope for eternity. I connect with God on a very visceral level. I move with the music and my whole being comes alive with praise.
I heard some old curmudgeon say that music has become idolatry in church, that we worship the music. He's probably not very musical. I always feel like I'm most connected to God when I'm singing. Music leads and points the way to God.
Listening to incredibly beautiful voices soaring in harmony or alone can bring me to tears and I worship the one who gave us such incredible gifts. Art can do the same thing to me.
I've also written two songs, or should I say they wrote themselves and I woke up with them. Now that was a shock. Especially the first time it happened. I'm used to my husband waking up with songs and following me around the house and even into the bathroom singing them to me before I've even had a chance to clear my throat. So when I woke up with a song, I couldn't wait for him to wake up! Payback time!
Actually, that first time, I woke up with the melody and was trying to think what song it was, because I often wake up with songs in my head, and then I started hearing the harmony and after playing it for my husband on the piano, realized I'd composed it and hadn't heard it anywhere else. A few days later the words started coming. Everytime I thought I was done writing the words and would get up to clean the house, a new verse would come to me and I'd have to sit down to type it out. It was like trying to get out of the bathroom when you have the stomach flu.
The songs were praise songs. One is supposed to someday be performed by my church choir (Living Springs Community Church). The other one may be performed by the Roseland Christian School choir. The director there really likes the song.
I'm 57 years old. Writing songs was not a gift that I knew I had. To have it come out now and to have some very talented choir directors like them and work on arranging them astonished me.
God is full of surprises like that. He likes to give us good gifts. He wants to make use of our gifts. Sometimes he awakens gifts we didn't even know we had.
The second song God gave me this past spring. It's based on Phillipians 4:11-13. It's been a mainstay for me while going through lapband surgery and making the lifestyle changes to accompany it. It also plays through my head when I smell my rotten moldy basement that we won't be using for a year or two while we slowly renovate.
It plays through my head when I think of how the funding to keep me in my job might not be available next year, that the new vendor might not want to employ me. It plays through my head when I'm stuck at home all the time because we've no money to go anywhere or buy anything.
These are the words:
Don't wanna be a superstar
Don't need to drive a brand new car
I am content
Yes, I am content no matter what my circumstance
I am content no matter what my lot.
I know what it means to live in want or have plenty.
I know the secret of being content
Is I can do all things
Through him who strengthens me.
Yes, I can do all things
Through him who strengthens me.
Don't need to have a mansion
or wear the latest fashion
I am content.
Yes, I am content, etc.
I don't have a solo voice and I have absolutely no vibrato. My voice has a tendency to crack every once in a while like a teenage boy's voice, right in the middle of a note. I think I damaged my vocal chords yelling too much as a kid. I have to be very careful forcing my voice or I'll end up with a coughing fit. Yet I sing every chance I can get.
Today I went to a special choir practice and my voice really worked for me once it warmed up. I got to sing tenor which I seldom am needed to do, but its probably the best range for my voice. I can't wait for my regular church choir to get started singing. We sing twice a month and I've missed it over the summer. I'm also singing a song with a mass choir of fellow college alumni at Navy Pier in October. How cool is that!
Just think how many singers would never get an opportunity to use their voices if it weren't for church choirs and praise teams. Just think how much less music there would be in the world if it weren't for Christianity and those who celebrate their faith in song.
When I'm singing hymns and praise songs and gospel songs, I don't think about eating at all. When we do worship on Sunday morning, I am always filled with such joy and gladness, sorrow for sin, and hope for eternity. I connect with God on a very visceral level. I move with the music and my whole being comes alive with praise.
I heard some old curmudgeon say that music has become idolatry in church, that we worship the music. He's probably not very musical. I always feel like I'm most connected to God when I'm singing. Music leads and points the way to God.
Listening to incredibly beautiful voices soaring in harmony or alone can bring me to tears and I worship the one who gave us such incredible gifts. Art can do the same thing to me.
I've also written two songs, or should I say they wrote themselves and I woke up with them. Now that was a shock. Especially the first time it happened. I'm used to my husband waking up with songs and following me around the house and even into the bathroom singing them to me before I've even had a chance to clear my throat. So when I woke up with a song, I couldn't wait for him to wake up! Payback time!
Actually, that first time, I woke up with the melody and was trying to think what song it was, because I often wake up with songs in my head, and then I started hearing the harmony and after playing it for my husband on the piano, realized I'd composed it and hadn't heard it anywhere else. A few days later the words started coming. Everytime I thought I was done writing the words and would get up to clean the house, a new verse would come to me and I'd have to sit down to type it out. It was like trying to get out of the bathroom when you have the stomach flu.
The songs were praise songs. One is supposed to someday be performed by my church choir (Living Springs Community Church). The other one may be performed by the Roseland Christian School choir. The director there really likes the song.
I'm 57 years old. Writing songs was not a gift that I knew I had. To have it come out now and to have some very talented choir directors like them and work on arranging them astonished me.
God is full of surprises like that. He likes to give us good gifts. He wants to make use of our gifts. Sometimes he awakens gifts we didn't even know we had.
The second song God gave me this past spring. It's based on Phillipians 4:11-13. It's been a mainstay for me while going through lapband surgery and making the lifestyle changes to accompany it. It also plays through my head when I smell my rotten moldy basement that we won't be using for a year or two while we slowly renovate.
It plays through my head when I think of how the funding to keep me in my job might not be available next year, that the new vendor might not want to employ me. It plays through my head when I'm stuck at home all the time because we've no money to go anywhere or buy anything.
These are the words:
Don't wanna be a superstar
Don't need to drive a brand new car
I am content
Yes, I am content no matter what my circumstance
I am content no matter what my lot.
I know what it means to live in want or have plenty.
I know the secret of being content
Is I can do all things
Through him who strengthens me.
Yes, I can do all things
Through him who strengthens me.
Don't need to have a mansion
or wear the latest fashion
I am content.
Yes, I am content, etc.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Don't Forget the Gifts
In a lot of ways I've been using this blog to take inventory--particularly inventory of those things that have contributed to my food addiction. But no inventory is complete without looking at those areas of strength that I can draw on to help me successfully manage this disease.
How do I do that without either false modesty or hubris?
I think for this post I'll stick to one trait I believe God has blessed me with and uses in ways that sometimes leaves me in awe. I believe in certain areas, God gives me vision and persistance in pursuing it. I do some footwork and God opens a door. I do some footwork and God opens another door. Eventually the vision gets passed to others who then bring it to fruition. These are usually in areas of ministry.
Today was a day in which one such vision came to fruition. A few years ago I became aware of a system of raising and teaching kids called Love & Logic. I'd heard about it in passing, then while searching for a speaker for a parent involvement seminar I saw something about a person who gave talks on Love & Logic. I had funding for him to come and talk and I also purchased books to give to parents who came.
I became convinced that I and my school needed to adopt Love & Logic as their system of discipline rather than the somewhat haphazard and often old school methods I'd been raised in like hollering and arguing and lecturing that are even more ineffective with today's children than they were with me.
Today, after four or five year of footwork, our entire teacher inservice was devoted to training in Love & Logic. Our new principal is squarely behind it, a veteran Roseland school teacher who was sent to week long training in Love & Logic through funding I'd uncovered gave the presentation using materials purchased with funding I'd uncovered. The vision has taken on a life of its own, and Roseland will be much better for it.
Many of you have checked out the video of Arthur Patrick, now called Testimony of a Student, http://www.WeAreRCS.com/testimony-of-a-student, that I included in some previous posts. I knew some of Arthur's story and had worked with him for four years bringing up his math and reading scores. I knew he had made tremendous progress and I thought his story might be worth telling from a public relations viewpoint.
I tested Arthur and compared his entrance scores in fifth grade to his current scores, interviewed his mother and foster mother, and wrote up their story for the promotions committee. Another member of the committee, who'd been hearing about Arthur from me and who was making these videos for Roseland wanted to interview Arthur for one of the videos. If you've seen the video, you know what a powerful story it turned out to be. This video was used at our 125th anniversary celebration and has become a powerful fundraising tool for the school.
Arthur, by the way, after his story was made known, was given the Most Improved Academic Achievement Award by our local district councilwoman. He was surprised with it at graduation. I cried. He was also given a scholarship to an Entrepreneurship Camp this past summer.
This time the results went way beyond what I'd only vaguely envisioned.
I've said before that ideas fly from me like confetti. Every once in a while one of them sticks and grows and takes on a life of its own. I'm not sure what my part in that is. Sometimes the vision for what could be is given to me so clearly and other times its vague, but I believe God uses me as a catalyst. I can be relentless, like water dripping on stone, for a cause I believe in. I can stay focused and even organized enough to do the footwork when God gives me the passion to pursue a vision. I know when the vision is God-breathed when God keeps cracking doors open for me to walk (and sometimes push) my way through.
Getting the lapband has some of that feel to it. It took from June 2008 to June 2009 to go through the process of getting approved. It had been on my mind a lot longer than that. I kept doing the footwork because I had a vision of a healthier me, a me that would be able to continue to pursue visions for what my students and what their school could become.
In the process I acquired another vision: a vision for what telling my story as a recovering Christian food addict, who chose lapband surgery as a tool in that recovery, could do for other Christians and for those who are not yet Christian, as well as what it could do for me and my recovery.
Again, my ability to focus--even hyperfocus--when I am passionate about a vision kicked in. I've come up with a post almost every night since before my surgery. Many people not only view my blog on this site, but I copy and post it to two other sites as well where it is read by many people. I've heard from enough people to know that my blog is helping many, and even those not affected by food addiction have found inspiration.
And God gave me another gift. He's allowed me to use my gift for writing, to dust if off, polish it up, and let it shine before other people. People like to pretend that they just write for themselves. The fact is, when we write, we are always envisioning an audience. Thank you for being my audience.
Vision, passion, persistance, catalyst, writer--God's good gifts.
God is good, all the time.
All the time, God is good.
How do I do that without either false modesty or hubris?
I think for this post I'll stick to one trait I believe God has blessed me with and uses in ways that sometimes leaves me in awe. I believe in certain areas, God gives me vision and persistance in pursuing it. I do some footwork and God opens a door. I do some footwork and God opens another door. Eventually the vision gets passed to others who then bring it to fruition. These are usually in areas of ministry.
Today was a day in which one such vision came to fruition. A few years ago I became aware of a system of raising and teaching kids called Love & Logic. I'd heard about it in passing, then while searching for a speaker for a parent involvement seminar I saw something about a person who gave talks on Love & Logic. I had funding for him to come and talk and I also purchased books to give to parents who came.
I became convinced that I and my school needed to adopt Love & Logic as their system of discipline rather than the somewhat haphazard and often old school methods I'd been raised in like hollering and arguing and lecturing that are even more ineffective with today's children than they were with me.
Today, after four or five year of footwork, our entire teacher inservice was devoted to training in Love & Logic. Our new principal is squarely behind it, a veteran Roseland school teacher who was sent to week long training in Love & Logic through funding I'd uncovered gave the presentation using materials purchased with funding I'd uncovered. The vision has taken on a life of its own, and Roseland will be much better for it.
Many of you have checked out the video of Arthur Patrick, now called Testimony of a Student, http://www.WeAreRCS.com/testimony-of-a-student, that I included in some previous posts. I knew some of Arthur's story and had worked with him for four years bringing up his math and reading scores. I knew he had made tremendous progress and I thought his story might be worth telling from a public relations viewpoint.
I tested Arthur and compared his entrance scores in fifth grade to his current scores, interviewed his mother and foster mother, and wrote up their story for the promotions committee. Another member of the committee, who'd been hearing about Arthur from me and who was making these videos for Roseland wanted to interview Arthur for one of the videos. If you've seen the video, you know what a powerful story it turned out to be. This video was used at our 125th anniversary celebration and has become a powerful fundraising tool for the school.
Arthur, by the way, after his story was made known, was given the Most Improved Academic Achievement Award by our local district councilwoman. He was surprised with it at graduation. I cried. He was also given a scholarship to an Entrepreneurship Camp this past summer.
This time the results went way beyond what I'd only vaguely envisioned.
I've said before that ideas fly from me like confetti. Every once in a while one of them sticks and grows and takes on a life of its own. I'm not sure what my part in that is. Sometimes the vision for what could be is given to me so clearly and other times its vague, but I believe God uses me as a catalyst. I can be relentless, like water dripping on stone, for a cause I believe in. I can stay focused and even organized enough to do the footwork when God gives me the passion to pursue a vision. I know when the vision is God-breathed when God keeps cracking doors open for me to walk (and sometimes push) my way through.
Getting the lapband has some of that feel to it. It took from June 2008 to June 2009 to go through the process of getting approved. It had been on my mind a lot longer than that. I kept doing the footwork because I had a vision of a healthier me, a me that would be able to continue to pursue visions for what my students and what their school could become.
In the process I acquired another vision: a vision for what telling my story as a recovering Christian food addict, who chose lapband surgery as a tool in that recovery, could do for other Christians and for those who are not yet Christian, as well as what it could do for me and my recovery.
Again, my ability to focus--even hyperfocus--when I am passionate about a vision kicked in. I've come up with a post almost every night since before my surgery. Many people not only view my blog on this site, but I copy and post it to two other sites as well where it is read by many people. I've heard from enough people to know that my blog is helping many, and even those not affected by food addiction have found inspiration.
And God gave me another gift. He's allowed me to use my gift for writing, to dust if off, polish it up, and let it shine before other people. People like to pretend that they just write for themselves. The fact is, when we write, we are always envisioning an audience. Thank you for being my audience.
Vision, passion, persistance, catalyst, writer--God's good gifts.
God is good, all the time.
All the time, God is good.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Half Way There!
I've reached the halfway point! Whoo-hoo!
Thirty-five pounds lost. Thirty-five to go. People are starting to notice. The ones who know I've had lapband often seem hesitant to say something. Others seem puzzled. I've also been growing my hair out and its quite long. So they don't always know what's different about me or what to choose to comment on. Plus, people are no longer sure whether its OK to comment on someone's weight. Complementing someone on losing means they were too heavy before. I enjoy watching people's faces and seeing their dilemma over what to say if anything.
For a while, it was like the fatter I got, the shorter I cut my hair. Now its long enough to put into a Pebbles Flintstone pony tail. All I need is a bone. That was definitely not a cute look when I was heavier, but I kind of like it now. It gives me an instant facelift. Its also cool on these hot days. When its down around my shoulders and framing my face it feels like a soft cloud. I love my hair right now.
Found an outfit in my closet from a few years ago that I hung on to that fits me right now. Kind of Hawaiian. I wore it to a meeting with some coworkers who haven't seen me since May. It was fun to wear something I haven't been able to wear for several years.
I've been looking for clothes at thrift stores to supplement some of my older clothes. I have no intention of spending much money on clothes that might not fit for long. I don't like to shop very much and searching through racks and racks of poorly organized clothes drives me a little crazy, but it sure saves me money.
I did go to one store that's run by mostly Dutch people. Now there, I think they measure the clothes to get the size if its missing, all sizes are in the right place, clearly marked, and you could eat off the floors.
I like reinventing myself. This is just exterior stuff. Its like playing dress up. New body, new clothes, new hair.
Changing the inside, that's a little more work. But I'm doing it. My health is better. I'm off 3 1/2 scripts and 2 supplements. My neck is giving me less trouble. I'm sleeping better.
I'd also say that I've really been dealing with all the issues behind the eating. Guilt, shame, resentment, codependency, ADHD/ADD, emotional eating. Complex issues that all affect compulsive eating.
But today was for celebrating. For counting my blessings. For thanking God for 35 pounds lost and getting half way to goal. Yea God. Yea Cheri. Hip, hip, hooray.
Thirty-five pounds lost. Thirty-five to go. People are starting to notice. The ones who know I've had lapband often seem hesitant to say something. Others seem puzzled. I've also been growing my hair out and its quite long. So they don't always know what's different about me or what to choose to comment on. Plus, people are no longer sure whether its OK to comment on someone's weight. Complementing someone on losing means they were too heavy before. I enjoy watching people's faces and seeing their dilemma over what to say if anything.
For a while, it was like the fatter I got, the shorter I cut my hair. Now its long enough to put into a Pebbles Flintstone pony tail. All I need is a bone. That was definitely not a cute look when I was heavier, but I kind of like it now. It gives me an instant facelift. Its also cool on these hot days. When its down around my shoulders and framing my face it feels like a soft cloud. I love my hair right now.
Found an outfit in my closet from a few years ago that I hung on to that fits me right now. Kind of Hawaiian. I wore it to a meeting with some coworkers who haven't seen me since May. It was fun to wear something I haven't been able to wear for several years.
I've been looking for clothes at thrift stores to supplement some of my older clothes. I have no intention of spending much money on clothes that might not fit for long. I don't like to shop very much and searching through racks and racks of poorly organized clothes drives me a little crazy, but it sure saves me money.
I did go to one store that's run by mostly Dutch people. Now there, I think they measure the clothes to get the size if its missing, all sizes are in the right place, clearly marked, and you could eat off the floors.
I like reinventing myself. This is just exterior stuff. Its like playing dress up. New body, new clothes, new hair.
Changing the inside, that's a little more work. But I'm doing it. My health is better. I'm off 3 1/2 scripts and 2 supplements. My neck is giving me less trouble. I'm sleeping better.
I'd also say that I've really been dealing with all the issues behind the eating. Guilt, shame, resentment, codependency, ADHD/ADD, emotional eating. Complex issues that all affect compulsive eating.
But today was for celebrating. For counting my blessings. For thanking God for 35 pounds lost and getting half way to goal. Yea God. Yea Cheri. Hip, hip, hooray.
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