Mixed Feelings About Christmas

Going through a divorce and changing churches and remarrying and moving really messed me and my kids all up on family holiday traditions. Haven't been able to really get anything consistant going.

I also changed jobs along with the other changes--more than once, so building friendships has been very difficult. Thus, I have few non-family parties to go to.

My husband is also a loner for the most part so haven't been able to build couple's friendships either. One friend from church left the church suddenly. Another is now working 70 hr weeks and I believe I offended her so she ignores any overtures.

I'm also in a very wierd way caught between the black world and the white world. Hanging around black people so much at work and somewhat at church has made me no longer fit the white world very well, yet I'm not fully trusted and accepted in the black one either.

Being ADHD also can get in the way of friendships. I can be too frank and impulsive in what I say and too self-revealing. Scares people away.

I used to have a lot of friends in Alanon and we did fun things together, too. But when I remarried, my new DH didn't drink and making meetings became less of a necessity.I was also in a singles group where I was developing friends and that's where I met my DH which then took me out of the singles scene.

All the things that have gone wrong with my house, as well as having DS and DDIL and baby living in my house before that really put the kabosh on entertaining, though I was part of two church community groups in a row, both of which eventually fell apart. I did have them meet at my house sometimes.

Wierdly, the work I've done on myself in Alanon and in counseling and in reading tons of self-help books, as well as the work I've done bridging the gap between black and white, and the fact that I'm a much more independant thinking and behaving woman than most church women have all combined to make me not really fit in any group and to make it hard to find issues in common with other women. I can get by superficially but I haven't made deep friendships for a long time.

I tend to avoid really needy women because they bring out my own codependency issues and I get angry at them finally for not doing what they need to do to improve their lives. Other women are so busy rescuing the needy women that they have no time for relatively healthy friendships. They let these people suck up all their time and energy. I see so much of that in women in my church.

Also, so many events revolve around food and I think I've avoided those situations in order to keep from weighing even more than I eventually did.

I'm also uncomfortable in big group social settings--and that includes family ones. I invariably stick my foot in my mouth and end up over-eating to medicate my nerves and shut my mouth. When I was a kid I would take a book and read at family events. If kids wanted to play outside or run around inside and play actively, then I participated and had a good time.

I still will frequently find a relatively quiet place and talk to the one or two people who stop by, but I often wish I'd brought a book. So many people have nothing interesting to look at or read in their houses. Or they put it all away to straighten up the house for visitors.

At my daughter's on Christmas Day there is only one room for all the adults to be in, and it'll be crowded. I think I'll play with the kids except for when we're all together opening presents.

Christmas Eve won't be so bad. My sister-in-law's house has a room or two I can wander off to and get away from the crowd for a while. They'll also have booze, and booze, sad to say, does help. However, I never have more than two drinks. I really don't like the feeling of being even the least inebriated.

I have a lot of mixed feelings about the holidays. We were so ultra-religious growing up that we spent a lot of that time in church. Christmas Eve and Christmas morning services. New Year's Eve and New Year's morning. Nobody drank at all but there was always food at family functions which occurred after church, mostly with my mom's family.

We didn't really believe in Santa, but we opened presents on Christmas Eve.So I look forward to but I also dread the holidays. I allow myself more freedom to medicate with food at parties and try to not eat the days before and after. I'm sure I'm not the only one with mixed feelings.

So I'm writing about it to acknowledge and hopefully deal with these issues at this time of year. But I mostly am concentrating on the good things.

Abe Lincoln said, "Most people are as happy as they want to be."

This holiday I'm trying to concentrate on the good things, the noble things, the pure things, the lovely things. There's a lot of brain research that shows if you want to change your life, you have to change your brain. To change your brain and create new ways of thinking you have to deliberately work on changing your thoughts. The Bible got that right 2000 years ago.

Phillipians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Food, Fat, Focus, Falls, Finances, and Floods

Lost 2 more lbs. I'm at 178 lbs, 11 lbs from goal. I just bought a few tops that are size large. I'm aftraid by the time I reach goal they may be too loose. I bought a pair of jeans that are low cut in a size 12. They fit my butt and thighs really nice but now they're a little loose. I'm hoping they all shrink in the wash. I'm going to end up having to buy more clothes if they don't shrink. I'm going to pick up some pants my sister-in-law sent me that are size 14's. She lost weight and most pants that fit me now are 14's. The size 12 jeans only fit because they're so low cut and all the walking has really trimmed my butt and thighs

Its somewhat disconcerting to see my change in shape. I don't mean the weight loss. I mean that since the last time I was thin, my shape has changed. The combination of having had a hysterectomy and age makes you thicken at the waist and more weight goes on the upper abdomen. Makes getting pants that fit and flatter difficult.

I've started doing crunches on an abcruncher my husband picked up at a garage sale. We'll see if that helps reshape me a little. I did a hundred crunchesthis morning.

I'm still scared about maintenance. It's getting closer everyday. I've lost so many times in the past but could never maintain. It's the loss of focus once I reach goal that's part of the problem. This is a disease that will never leave me. It will never leave me alone. I'm really praying that the band will make the difference between this time and all the other times I've lost weight.

I feel so good and have so much energy. I'm really afraid of injury, especially injury from falling. In the past, injury has really sabotaged my maintenance. Herniated discs have been a major contributor. Severe unrelenting pain, the inability to move freely, bad neck, bad back, bad knees, bad shoulders, all these things have sabotaged me in the past. As I get back in shape I have to be very careful not to injure myself. But if I do, I now have a band to tide me over through physical recovery and keep me from comforting myself and medicating my pain with food.

My basement is not smelling nearly as much and that is a mood lifter for me. Repairing the damage after all the flooding has been almost beyond my ability to comprehend. Now that the drain tiles are in, I think the walls may be drying out for the first time in a long time. My husband is preparing the basement so he can spray it to kill the remaining mold on all surfaces. Then I'm going to get an electrician in to take all the extra BX that was put in and organize it into straight bundles that run along the main beam and then branch out to the light fixtures.

Once all the electric and waterpipes are secure and neat we can spray paint the rafters of the basement and all the pipes will be painted and will be less visible. After that we'll tackle the floor. It will need some scraping and perhaps some fresh concrete in certain areas. Then we'll spray paint that. Hopefully, by next summer we can put up insulation behind the wooden framework we left up and drywall over that. We need a new toilet and shower and sink and cabinets (not to mention walls) in the bathroom, and then we'll be in business.

I also hope to put in a new roof and fix its leak in the spring. My husband is going for training as a security guard and already has an offer of employment at a factory. If I still have a job next fall that is, then the extra money will help us get this place where I'll either be a lot happier living here, or I'll sell it and downsize.

Those are my plans and I can at least see an end to my house problems. There are also car problems as both our cars are aging and neither one of us is good with cars. We are very easily ripped off by mechanics. Just had a $300 repair on a car and I really needed new glasses. My insurance for glasses is very poor and I absolutely need progressives so with the eye exam, that was another $500. It never ends.

Thank God my husband has stepped up to the plate. The past 5 years his employment has been spotty and low-paying until he finally went on social security at 62. Don't let anyone tell you there's no age discrimination in this country. Security jobs are available to older men and pay $12-18/hr. He can supplement his social security or go full time for benefits if by next fall I have no job.

I am so aware that unforseen events can completely sabotage all these plans and that God may have a different idea in mind, but it helps me psychologically to have a plan and to see an end to this particular set of troubles. Looking that far ahead is difficult, but keeping in mind that, with God's help, we can get through these financial difficulties, is what sustains me.

Meanwhile I keep working on remaining content, knowing that I can do (or get through) all things through him that strengthens me--food, falls, finances, and floods.

Second Childhood

I want to be like a little kid. When I go babysit my grandkids I'm totally there to play with them. I'm not there to clean the house or do the dishes or cook. Its not that I don't heat up food and serve it and, of course, I change dirty diapers, but mostly I just want to play.

I may read books, sing nursery rhymes, bounce them on my knee while singing Yankee Doodle Dandy, walk around the block, tickle, wrestle, dance, or pretend.

Pretending is great fun. My four-year old grandson, David, made up the game "baby bird." I lay on the bed with my knees up and he crawls under my knees and pretends to hatch from an egg. His little brother tries to do the same thing. We do this many times before they get tired of it.

Then David reaches up and pulls the string to turn off the light above the bed and we all pretend its night. They both crawl under the covers next to me and I start to snore. Then David sneaks out from under the covers, turns the light back on, and crows like a rooster to wake me up. I startle awake and he laughs everytime.

Lately, when we go for walks, he wants me to pretend to be "that mean lady." He tells me to be cross. He means Cruella DeVille. Then we go around the block and I order him to steal Dalmatian puppies. He goes and finds a "puppy" and puts it in a "cage" behind the bulldozer he's driving.

When I'm with my three-year old granddaughter, Skyler, the first thing she does is tell me, "You want to make a castle with me. Let's go get the blocks." This is not a request. She also looks for the presents I've given her so we can play with those. One year old Leah wants me to read to her. She likes the wierd voices I use. She loves to point to pictures and show off all the words she knows.

Without grandkids, I wouldn't sit in sandboxes and build sandcastles. I wouldn't wade in little pools. I wouldn't squirt with the hose. I wouldn't chase the kids through splash pads at the park. I wouldn't push them on swings and bounce them on teeter-totters. I wouldn't sit in the bathroom and let them play in the tub as long as they want.

I have patiently put together intricate railroad systems and built log cabins and cool castles only to watch them get destroyed in less than 5 seconds. And then I do it over again.

I'm never in a hurry or rush them through things. I am totally in the moment with them.

You know, I never eat or think about food while I'm actually playing with my grandkids. When they watch TV its a different story, but I have really made it a point now to do things with them and basically they make sure I do. I'm better than TV.

Arthritis limits me to a certain extent as did the weight, but now that I've lost 30 lbs I'm having more fun than ever with my grandkids.

Fun. Play. Dance. Laugh. These are all much better things to do than eat.

Jesus said you have to have the faith of a little child to enter into his Kingdom. He said the Kingdom belonged to the children.

I guess I'm entering into my second childhood.