Surgery is tomorrow, Thursday. I have to be at the hospital at 8:30. I had confirmation today that I'm having this surgery in the nick of time. My pre-op blood tests came back and showed I'd moved from borderline diabetic to diabetic. That makes 3 co-morbidities. Lord I am tired of this disease!
It is amazing to me that Christians don't talk about food addiction and obesity. It's not like we can't see it. We may be in the closet about it but our stomach's are sticking right out of the closet for all the world to see. Some of the highest rates of obesity (as well as depression) among women exist in the Bible Belt of the South.
Shame, I'm sure, is the biggest reason we don't talk about it. We confuse food addiction with gluttony. But most of us who are food addicts have been battling it all our lives. We don't want this addiction. Nobody says when they're little, "I wanna be a fat food addict when I grow up." But we continue to eat even when we know its killing us. We stop for a while, lose some weight, and then the cravings and compulsions return more powerful than ever. And shame over our lack of control, shame over what we perceive as a lack of faith, or of obedience to the Word, drives us even deeper into the food.
Pastors don't preach about it because they'd lose some of their very best workers. We, the food addicts, help everyone else as "good" Christians, frequently negating ourselves, and then help ourselves to more food because it makes us feel better. We eat to medicate depression, and in my case, to medicate ADHD as well. It satisfies something in our brains and that enables us to keep functioning and keep from falling apart.
We don't seek medical help for what we now know is a medical condition because somehow that would make us bad Christians. So we stay in our closets and keep our mouths closed.
This blog is my way of coming out of the closet about my food addiction and the terrible toll its taken on me and on my family. Come out of the closet people and lets talk.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Validation and Pizza
The support of those I love and of various friends has been amazing. I feel supported and confident most of the time. I've been prayed with and prayed for and the degree of understanding and compassion has been very validating.
I've lost 10 lbs on this low-carb liquid diet which should be good for the surgery. Hopefully, my liver has shrunk. I haven't been very hungry which is amazing. Writing in this blog has been a tremendous release for me and is one of the reasons I think I'm not even thinking about food--most of the time. Tonight I was visiting with my granddaughter when my son said he'd ordered himself some pizza. I had to leave. Pizza is one of those foods I only eat at parties; I never have it at home. I absolutely can't stop eating it. I had to leave. I don't know if I'll ever have pizza again, and the temptation was overwhelming to have it one last time.
A few weeks ago, we had a healing service at church. The point was made that we need to thank God for the healing we will receive through medical services as well as through more direct intervention. We were encouraged to seek prayer for healing in whatever form God chose to grant it. I'm not afraid to have surgeries and take medicine for various conditions. I've prayed for healing--particularly for healing from food addiction, because so many of the other conditions are the result of my addiction. I've always felt that asking for relief from my other ailments would not be honored by God until the food addiction was dealt with.
So I went up and asked for prayer for healing in whatever ways God chose to grant it. After that is when the "If your eye offends you, pluck it out" verse came to me and I transposed it, humorously, and then seriously, to"If your stomach offends you, tie it off."
The amazing thing is, since the nurse called me with a date for the surgery, and I went ahead and scheduled it, I've been experiencing a lot less pain. The excercises I've been doing to stretch and strengthen my neck, lower back, and hips stopped killing me. The pain in my neck when I swing my arms while I walk, as well as the pain in my hips has subsided considerably. I tried out a different position while sleeping that seems to be helping both my neck and hips get stretched and positioned while I sleep. I'm sleeping better and able to stay asleep longer.
I had to go off my anti-inflammatory (non-steroidal drug) prior to surgery in order to prevent excessive bleeding and I thought I was going to be in a lot of pain for the week prior to surgery. I'm stiff, but acetaminaphin alone has been sufficient to handle the pain.
I can only imagine what kind of improvement I'll show once the weight is off.
Pizza-costly.
Validation from my friends, family, and Heavenly Father. Priceless.
I've lost 10 lbs on this low-carb liquid diet which should be good for the surgery. Hopefully, my liver has shrunk. I haven't been very hungry which is amazing. Writing in this blog has been a tremendous release for me and is one of the reasons I think I'm not even thinking about food--most of the time. Tonight I was visiting with my granddaughter when my son said he'd ordered himself some pizza. I had to leave. Pizza is one of those foods I only eat at parties; I never have it at home. I absolutely can't stop eating it. I had to leave. I don't know if I'll ever have pizza again, and the temptation was overwhelming to have it one last time.
A few weeks ago, we had a healing service at church. The point was made that we need to thank God for the healing we will receive through medical services as well as through more direct intervention. We were encouraged to seek prayer for healing in whatever form God chose to grant it. I'm not afraid to have surgeries and take medicine for various conditions. I've prayed for healing--particularly for healing from food addiction, because so many of the other conditions are the result of my addiction. I've always felt that asking for relief from my other ailments would not be honored by God until the food addiction was dealt with.
So I went up and asked for prayer for healing in whatever ways God chose to grant it. After that is when the "If your eye offends you, pluck it out" verse came to me and I transposed it, humorously, and then seriously, to"If your stomach offends you, tie it off."
The amazing thing is, since the nurse called me with a date for the surgery, and I went ahead and scheduled it, I've been experiencing a lot less pain. The excercises I've been doing to stretch and strengthen my neck, lower back, and hips stopped killing me. The pain in my neck when I swing my arms while I walk, as well as the pain in my hips has subsided considerably. I tried out a different position while sleeping that seems to be helping both my neck and hips get stretched and positioned while I sleep. I'm sleeping better and able to stay asleep longer.
I had to go off my anti-inflammatory (non-steroidal drug) prior to surgery in order to prevent excessive bleeding and I thought I was going to be in a lot of pain for the week prior to surgery. I'm stiff, but acetaminaphin alone has been sufficient to handle the pain.
I can only imagine what kind of improvement I'll show once the weight is off.
Pizza-costly.
Validation from my friends, family, and Heavenly Father. Priceless.
Monday, June 15, 2009
The Cost of Food Addiction
Sometimes I kid myself and think the only person I've hurt with my addiction is myself. My life so often consists of helping everyone else. How can I be hurting them?
Food is a barrier to intimacy. I don't talk while I eat. I'm totally absorbed in my food, which I devour like someone might take it away before I'm done. I just might stick them with a fork if they tried. I stand and stare at food which I want to eat but know I shouldn't. I leave conversations at parties in order to go snatch a little more food. I open and shut cabinets and refrigerator doors hoping there will be something in there that will quell the restlessness of ADHD but have no caloric impact. Fat chance.
Food has robbed the people around me of my presence and also of funds that could have been spent on things like home improvement and vacations. I don't want to even begin to tally up the costs, not only of excess food, but of medicine for conditions created or exacerbated by overweight, as well as over-the-counter supplements to try to prevent me from eating or to counter-balance the ill effects of overeating. I've spent money at weight watchers and Jenny Craig. I may have helped the economy but I robbed my family.
The epidemic of obesity in this country has raised the cost of insurance for everyone else astronomically. You're paying for my obesity.
Insurance companies don't make it easy to get this surgery. Personally, I think they might save money in the long run if they made it more available to those who are pre-morbidly obese, who have not yet become physically handicapped, diabetic, or had debilitating heart attacks or strokes, before the counter is lined by medicines needed to counteract the effects of obesity.
Nutritionists, weight-loss gurus, magazines, self-help groups, and Oprah all bombard us with information about the dangers of overeating and how we should eat, but that doesn't stop the compulsion and it hasn't even slowed down the epidemic. At the nutrition classes I was required to attend prior to surgery, I knew the answer to every question the nutritionist posed. Knowledge is not always power. Oprah, herself, is living proof. Even with her own pet nutritionists and work-out gurus, the weight came back.
I believe that I'm going to cost my family and the insurance company a lot less in the future. The Lord willing I'll be able to be there for my grandchildren, I'll be able to keep teaching full time, I'll be better off financially, I'll actually look at and talk to my husband while I eat, I'll feel better, look better, move better, and not make a meal out of pills. I'll be able to be the best Cheri God created me to be, the person he made me to be from the beginning.
Food is a barrier to intimacy. I don't talk while I eat. I'm totally absorbed in my food, which I devour like someone might take it away before I'm done. I just might stick them with a fork if they tried. I stand and stare at food which I want to eat but know I shouldn't. I leave conversations at parties in order to go snatch a little more food. I open and shut cabinets and refrigerator doors hoping there will be something in there that will quell the restlessness of ADHD but have no caloric impact. Fat chance.
Food has robbed the people around me of my presence and also of funds that could have been spent on things like home improvement and vacations. I don't want to even begin to tally up the costs, not only of excess food, but of medicine for conditions created or exacerbated by overweight, as well as over-the-counter supplements to try to prevent me from eating or to counter-balance the ill effects of overeating. I've spent money at weight watchers and Jenny Craig. I may have helped the economy but I robbed my family.
The epidemic of obesity in this country has raised the cost of insurance for everyone else astronomically. You're paying for my obesity.
Insurance companies don't make it easy to get this surgery. Personally, I think they might save money in the long run if they made it more available to those who are pre-morbidly obese, who have not yet become physically handicapped, diabetic, or had debilitating heart attacks or strokes, before the counter is lined by medicines needed to counteract the effects of obesity.
Nutritionists, weight-loss gurus, magazines, self-help groups, and Oprah all bombard us with information about the dangers of overeating and how we should eat, but that doesn't stop the compulsion and it hasn't even slowed down the epidemic. At the nutrition classes I was required to attend prior to surgery, I knew the answer to every question the nutritionist posed. Knowledge is not always power. Oprah, herself, is living proof. Even with her own pet nutritionists and work-out gurus, the weight came back.
I believe that I'm going to cost my family and the insurance company a lot less in the future. The Lord willing I'll be able to be there for my grandchildren, I'll be able to keep teaching full time, I'll be better off financially, I'll actually look at and talk to my husband while I eat, I'll feel better, look better, move better, and not make a meal out of pills. I'll be able to be the best Cheri God created me to be, the person he made me to be from the beginning.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Surgery as surrender
Having once been married to an alcoholic and having attended Alanon for many, many years, I've learned a lot about addiction. I know that we are addicts because we are addicts. Environmental issues can impact the predisposition of our genes, but once our addictions are triggered, we are addicts because we are addicts.
I also know that in order to recover you have to be willing to do whatever it takes. You surrender your will to God and become willing to do whatever it takes, to go to whatever lengths it takes. For an alcoholic or drug addict that may mean going through rehab, going on meds to treat depression that could drive them back into addiction, working the 12 steps constantly, going to 90 meetings in 90 days, calling a sponsor and being sponsored, and never ever touching another drop of alcohol because once they start they can't stop.
In a very real sense this surgery represents my surrender. I will always have to eat to live. Everytime I pick up food it can trigger my addiction. Having attended many Overeater's Anonymous meetings, I can testify that very few people are able to permanantly keep their weight off. Only those who are capable of being really anal seem to succeed. Weighing, measuring, checking every ingredient, counting carbs, calories, points, filling out food plans. These may all be good things but I'm not capable of them--at least not for long. Just the thought of doing these things gives me a panic attack. I hire people to do my paperwork and attend to details because I'm so bad at it. I've accepted my ADHD as a gift and I no longer try to be good at what I'm not good at. I do what I'm good at, which is being a highly flexible, very creative, gifted teacher. I generate ideas like confetti. My lesson plans are barely a guideline.
By having this surgery, my stomach will become the weigher and the measurer. I can follow the simple food guidelines which will take me from clear liquids to 1000-1200 calories a day of healthy food without having to make food plans the rest of my life. Unhealthy food and too much food will make me very uncomfortable. I'll experience satiety--a completely unfamiliar feeling. And I'll be reprogramming the addiction center in my brain.
It won't be easy. I'll still be triggered by the sight, smell, and taste of food. The surgery will be a jumpstart on food sobriety, like going into rehab. I'll still have to surrender my food to God every day. But with my body cooperating instead of fighting it, I stand a much better chance of success. This is the length to which I am willing to go to acheive food sobriety and better health. This is my surrender to God. If your stomach offends you, if it causes you to stumble, if its an obsession that takes you away from being able to love God above all and your neighbor as yourself--tie it off.
I also know that in order to recover you have to be willing to do whatever it takes. You surrender your will to God and become willing to do whatever it takes, to go to whatever lengths it takes. For an alcoholic or drug addict that may mean going through rehab, going on meds to treat depression that could drive them back into addiction, working the 12 steps constantly, going to 90 meetings in 90 days, calling a sponsor and being sponsored, and never ever touching another drop of alcohol because once they start they can't stop.
In a very real sense this surgery represents my surrender. I will always have to eat to live. Everytime I pick up food it can trigger my addiction. Having attended many Overeater's Anonymous meetings, I can testify that very few people are able to permanantly keep their weight off. Only those who are capable of being really anal seem to succeed. Weighing, measuring, checking every ingredient, counting carbs, calories, points, filling out food plans. These may all be good things but I'm not capable of them--at least not for long. Just the thought of doing these things gives me a panic attack. I hire people to do my paperwork and attend to details because I'm so bad at it. I've accepted my ADHD as a gift and I no longer try to be good at what I'm not good at. I do what I'm good at, which is being a highly flexible, very creative, gifted teacher. I generate ideas like confetti. My lesson plans are barely a guideline.
By having this surgery, my stomach will become the weigher and the measurer. I can follow the simple food guidelines which will take me from clear liquids to 1000-1200 calories a day of healthy food without having to make food plans the rest of my life. Unhealthy food and too much food will make me very uncomfortable. I'll experience satiety--a completely unfamiliar feeling. And I'll be reprogramming the addiction center in my brain.
It won't be easy. I'll still be triggered by the sight, smell, and taste of food. The surgery will be a jumpstart on food sobriety, like going into rehab. I'll still have to surrender my food to God every day. But with my body cooperating instead of fighting it, I stand a much better chance of success. This is the length to which I am willing to go to acheive food sobriety and better health. This is my surrender to God. If your stomach offends you, if it causes you to stumble, if its an obsession that takes you away from being able to love God above all and your neighbor as yourself--tie it off.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Doubts and Fears
I was up a good part of last night questioning myself, afraid of going through surgery, afraid of all the food restrictions following surgery and the thought of a restricted diet the rest of my life. I'm afraid of some unidentified heart problem causing blood pressure or heart rate problems during surgery. There were a few questionable things but nothing severe in all the tests I had. Those things will hopefully disappear along with the weight. I've been through many surgeries and never had a problem, but I've never weighed this much before either.
My Bible was open to Matthew 6: 25-28, and I read it several times trying to find either reassurance or a definite "No.!" from God. So I'm not supposed to worry about what I will eat or drink or my body and what I will wear. At first I thought, "So if I'm totally trusting God I wouldn't have this food problem or need this surgery?" Which is my old guilt-ridden way of thinking. Then I thought, "I'm not supposed to worry about the food after the surgery, or my body during the surgery. God's going to take care of me." I believe he will honor my decision to do something to jumpstart my body and brain's recovery from food addiction.
This morning I sat down with my husband and together we went over the diet in its various stages that I'll have to follow. It's manageable with his help. He asked what he could do if he saw me making a bad choice. I asked him to just come up to me and give me a hug. I think most of the time, that's all I'll need.
My Bible was open to Matthew 6: 25-28, and I read it several times trying to find either reassurance or a definite "No.!" from God. So I'm not supposed to worry about what I will eat or drink or my body and what I will wear. At first I thought, "So if I'm totally trusting God I wouldn't have this food problem or need this surgery?" Which is my old guilt-ridden way of thinking. Then I thought, "I'm not supposed to worry about the food after the surgery, or my body during the surgery. God's going to take care of me." I believe he will honor my decision to do something to jumpstart my body and brain's recovery from food addiction.
This morning I sat down with my husband and together we went over the diet in its various stages that I'll have to follow. It's manageable with his help. He asked what he could do if he saw me making a bad choice. I asked him to just come up to me and give me a hug. I think most of the time, that's all I'll need.
Friday, June 12, 2009
There but for the grace of God
Today I spent 9 hours having tests and seeing Doctors--well, at least I was in their waiting rooms. I saw the surgeon, the dietician, and the anethesioligist's nurse practitioner with a brief talk with the anesthesiologist.
Taking medical histories has become quite time-consuming. Hippa may be partly responsible for that. You have to give the same information over and over again.
The low-carb liquid diet I'm on has already made me lose 5 lbs. It's supposed to shrink your liver prior to surgery so that the Dr. can do the surgery with only 1 incision. This incision will then become the port to adjusting the band as the stomach shrinks.
The way in which I eat will change drastically. It seems counter-intuitive to all the diet advice out there. Although I'll need to drink plenty of liquids, I'll have to refrain from drinking for 30 minutes prior to eating a meal, take 30 minutes to eat my meal with no liquids, and wait 30 minute to drink again.
Liquids make the food drain out of the stomach faster and make you hungry quicker. You also have to avoid high fiber and breads because they expand with liquid and could expand your stomach. Pop bubbles can do the same. You want to keep the new stomach pouch created by the band small so the feeling of fullnes will occur quickly and last.
I saw a mother with a 4 yr. old in the Dr.'s waiting room. She appeared to have lost a lot of weight and now had skin sacks that still had fat in them hanging down to her knees and underarm skin hanging half-way down her arms. She'll need surgery to remove all that. This addiction does tremendous damage and I feel so grateful that mine has not brought me to that point and at such a young age. There but for the grace of God go I.
As it is I am on 3 blood pressure meds, and 4 cholesterol meds. But there are people much worse than I. If it weren't for my co-morbidities I'm not even heavy enough to qualify for the surgery.
If it weren't for the line-up of meds on my counter, the borderline diabetes, and my rapidly deteriorating joints and constant pain exacerbated by the extra weight, I would not be doing this surgery. I would still be trying all the ineffective methods that only ever worked for a while and despairing of ever getting this compulsion under control and out of my head.
Taking medical histories has become quite time-consuming. Hippa may be partly responsible for that. You have to give the same information over and over again.
The low-carb liquid diet I'm on has already made me lose 5 lbs. It's supposed to shrink your liver prior to surgery so that the Dr. can do the surgery with only 1 incision. This incision will then become the port to adjusting the band as the stomach shrinks.
The way in which I eat will change drastically. It seems counter-intuitive to all the diet advice out there. Although I'll need to drink plenty of liquids, I'll have to refrain from drinking for 30 minutes prior to eating a meal, take 30 minutes to eat my meal with no liquids, and wait 30 minute to drink again.
Liquids make the food drain out of the stomach faster and make you hungry quicker. You also have to avoid high fiber and breads because they expand with liquid and could expand your stomach. Pop bubbles can do the same. You want to keep the new stomach pouch created by the band small so the feeling of fullnes will occur quickly and last.
I saw a mother with a 4 yr. old in the Dr.'s waiting room. She appeared to have lost a lot of weight and now had skin sacks that still had fat in them hanging down to her knees and underarm skin hanging half-way down her arms. She'll need surgery to remove all that. This addiction does tremendous damage and I feel so grateful that mine has not brought me to that point and at such a young age. There but for the grace of God go I.
As it is I am on 3 blood pressure meds, and 4 cholesterol meds. But there are people much worse than I. If it weren't for my co-morbidities I'm not even heavy enough to qualify for the surgery.
If it weren't for the line-up of meds on my counter, the borderline diabetes, and my rapidly deteriorating joints and constant pain exacerbated by the extra weight, I would not be doing this surgery. I would still be trying all the ineffective methods that only ever worked for a while and despairing of ever getting this compulsion under control and out of my head.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Goodbye to food---at parties
I have at least 5 parties to attend over the next 3 weekends and I'm going to have to attend them without having food as a crutch. I'm going to have to bring food and not eat it. I have to talk to people without relying on food to allay my social anxiety and fear of putting my foot in my mouth in one of my impulsive, ADHD moments.
I won't be able to gorge myself on foods I would never have in my home or buy for myself. That's the thing about parties. I love to go to parties because of the food, and I hate to go to parties because of the food.
At my church we're into celebrating everything, and everything involves food--delicious food and lots of it. At school people bring special treats for everything. At weekly faculty devotions, the leader is supposed to bring a treat.
If my husband and I want to do something special, we go to a cheap restaurant in order to stay within our budget. Family get togethers are dominated by food.
I really don't know how to talk to people without food smoothing the way. Alcohol has never appealed much to me--its always been food.
The food is killing me. More insidiously than alcohol or nicotine, it is still killing me. But unlike alcohol and nicotin and other addictive substances, I need it to live.
How can something that God created so good, become so evil for me?
Imagine a world that sin had never entered. Where genetic alterations that make some people prone to addiction had never happened. Where celebration never turns into debauchery--of any kind, either by choice or by uncontrollable compulsions and cravings. That's what paradise would look like, and what it will look like when Christ comes again to establish his new heaven and new earth.
Party!
I won't be able to gorge myself on foods I would never have in my home or buy for myself. That's the thing about parties. I love to go to parties because of the food, and I hate to go to parties because of the food.
At my church we're into celebrating everything, and everything involves food--delicious food and lots of it. At school people bring special treats for everything. At weekly faculty devotions, the leader is supposed to bring a treat.
If my husband and I want to do something special, we go to a cheap restaurant in order to stay within our budget. Family get togethers are dominated by food.
I really don't know how to talk to people without food smoothing the way. Alcohol has never appealed much to me--its always been food.
The food is killing me. More insidiously than alcohol or nicotine, it is still killing me. But unlike alcohol and nicotin and other addictive substances, I need it to live.
How can something that God created so good, become so evil for me?
Imagine a world that sin had never entered. Where genetic alterations that make some people prone to addiction had never happened. Where celebration never turns into debauchery--of any kind, either by choice or by uncontrollable compulsions and cravings. That's what paradise would look like, and what it will look like when Christ comes again to establish his new heaven and new earth.
Party!
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