I was up a good part of last night questioning myself, afraid of going through surgery, afraid of all the food restrictions following surgery and the thought of a restricted diet the rest of my life. I'm afraid of some unidentified heart problem causing blood pressure or heart rate problems during surgery. There were a few questionable things but nothing severe in all the tests I had. Those things will hopefully disappear along with the weight. I've been through many surgeries and never had a problem, but I've never weighed this much before either.
My Bible was open to Matthew 6: 25-28, and I read it several times trying to find either reassurance or a definite "No.!" from God. So I'm not supposed to worry about what I will eat or drink or my body and what I will wear. At first I thought, "So if I'm totally trusting God I wouldn't have this food problem or need this surgery?" Which is my old guilt-ridden way of thinking. Then I thought, "I'm not supposed to worry about the food after the surgery, or my body during the surgery. God's going to take care of me." I believe he will honor my decision to do something to jumpstart my body and brain's recovery from food addiction.
This morning I sat down with my husband and together we went over the diet in its various stages that I'll have to follow. It's manageable with his help. He asked what he could do if he saw me making a bad choice. I asked him to just come up to me and give me a hug. I think most of the time, that's all I'll need.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
There but for the grace of God
Today I spent 9 hours having tests and seeing Doctors--well, at least I was in their waiting rooms. I saw the surgeon, the dietician, and the anethesioligist's nurse practitioner with a brief talk with the anesthesiologist.
Taking medical histories has become quite time-consuming. Hippa may be partly responsible for that. You have to give the same information over and over again.
The low-carb liquid diet I'm on has already made me lose 5 lbs. It's supposed to shrink your liver prior to surgery so that the Dr. can do the surgery with only 1 incision. This incision will then become the port to adjusting the band as the stomach shrinks.
The way in which I eat will change drastically. It seems counter-intuitive to all the diet advice out there. Although I'll need to drink plenty of liquids, I'll have to refrain from drinking for 30 minutes prior to eating a meal, take 30 minutes to eat my meal with no liquids, and wait 30 minute to drink again.
Liquids make the food drain out of the stomach faster and make you hungry quicker. You also have to avoid high fiber and breads because they expand with liquid and could expand your stomach. Pop bubbles can do the same. You want to keep the new stomach pouch created by the band small so the feeling of fullnes will occur quickly and last.
I saw a mother with a 4 yr. old in the Dr.'s waiting room. She appeared to have lost a lot of weight and now had skin sacks that still had fat in them hanging down to her knees and underarm skin hanging half-way down her arms. She'll need surgery to remove all that. This addiction does tremendous damage and I feel so grateful that mine has not brought me to that point and at such a young age. There but for the grace of God go I.
As it is I am on 3 blood pressure meds, and 4 cholesterol meds. But there are people much worse than I. If it weren't for my co-morbidities I'm not even heavy enough to qualify for the surgery.
If it weren't for the line-up of meds on my counter, the borderline diabetes, and my rapidly deteriorating joints and constant pain exacerbated by the extra weight, I would not be doing this surgery. I would still be trying all the ineffective methods that only ever worked for a while and despairing of ever getting this compulsion under control and out of my head.
Taking medical histories has become quite time-consuming. Hippa may be partly responsible for that. You have to give the same information over and over again.
The low-carb liquid diet I'm on has already made me lose 5 lbs. It's supposed to shrink your liver prior to surgery so that the Dr. can do the surgery with only 1 incision. This incision will then become the port to adjusting the band as the stomach shrinks.
The way in which I eat will change drastically. It seems counter-intuitive to all the diet advice out there. Although I'll need to drink plenty of liquids, I'll have to refrain from drinking for 30 minutes prior to eating a meal, take 30 minutes to eat my meal with no liquids, and wait 30 minute to drink again.
Liquids make the food drain out of the stomach faster and make you hungry quicker. You also have to avoid high fiber and breads because they expand with liquid and could expand your stomach. Pop bubbles can do the same. You want to keep the new stomach pouch created by the band small so the feeling of fullnes will occur quickly and last.
I saw a mother with a 4 yr. old in the Dr.'s waiting room. She appeared to have lost a lot of weight and now had skin sacks that still had fat in them hanging down to her knees and underarm skin hanging half-way down her arms. She'll need surgery to remove all that. This addiction does tremendous damage and I feel so grateful that mine has not brought me to that point and at such a young age. There but for the grace of God go I.
As it is I am on 3 blood pressure meds, and 4 cholesterol meds. But there are people much worse than I. If it weren't for my co-morbidities I'm not even heavy enough to qualify for the surgery.
If it weren't for the line-up of meds on my counter, the borderline diabetes, and my rapidly deteriorating joints and constant pain exacerbated by the extra weight, I would not be doing this surgery. I would still be trying all the ineffective methods that only ever worked for a while and despairing of ever getting this compulsion under control and out of my head.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Goodbye to food---at parties
I have at least 5 parties to attend over the next 3 weekends and I'm going to have to attend them without having food as a crutch. I'm going to have to bring food and not eat it. I have to talk to people without relying on food to allay my social anxiety and fear of putting my foot in my mouth in one of my impulsive, ADHD moments.
I won't be able to gorge myself on foods I would never have in my home or buy for myself. That's the thing about parties. I love to go to parties because of the food, and I hate to go to parties because of the food.
At my church we're into celebrating everything, and everything involves food--delicious food and lots of it. At school people bring special treats for everything. At weekly faculty devotions, the leader is supposed to bring a treat.
If my husband and I want to do something special, we go to a cheap restaurant in order to stay within our budget. Family get togethers are dominated by food.
I really don't know how to talk to people without food smoothing the way. Alcohol has never appealed much to me--its always been food.
The food is killing me. More insidiously than alcohol or nicotine, it is still killing me. But unlike alcohol and nicotin and other addictive substances, I need it to live.
How can something that God created so good, become so evil for me?
Imagine a world that sin had never entered. Where genetic alterations that make some people prone to addiction had never happened. Where celebration never turns into debauchery--of any kind, either by choice or by uncontrollable compulsions and cravings. That's what paradise would look like, and what it will look like when Christ comes again to establish his new heaven and new earth.
Party!
I won't be able to gorge myself on foods I would never have in my home or buy for myself. That's the thing about parties. I love to go to parties because of the food, and I hate to go to parties because of the food.
At my church we're into celebrating everything, and everything involves food--delicious food and lots of it. At school people bring special treats for everything. At weekly faculty devotions, the leader is supposed to bring a treat.
If my husband and I want to do something special, we go to a cheap restaurant in order to stay within our budget. Family get togethers are dominated by food.
I really don't know how to talk to people without food smoothing the way. Alcohol has never appealed much to me--its always been food.
The food is killing me. More insidiously than alcohol or nicotine, it is still killing me. But unlike alcohol and nicotin and other addictive substances, I need it to live.
How can something that God created so good, become so evil for me?
Imagine a world that sin had never entered. Where genetic alterations that make some people prone to addiction had never happened. Where celebration never turns into debauchery--of any kind, either by choice or by uncontrollable compulsions and cravings. That's what paradise would look like, and what it will look like when Christ comes again to establish his new heaven and new earth.
Party!
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Goodbye, food
Last night I said goodbye to food--forever. Well, not quite. But I did have to start on a low-carb, liquid diet in preparation for lap band surgery, which, the Lord willing, will happen next Thursday. Its been a long journey. I began the official process a year ago, when I'd had enough with high blood pressure, high cholesterol, borderline diabetes and constant pain from osteo-arthritis. I jumped through a lot of insurance hoops and tests to get to this point. I prayed for healing from my food cravings and I still do. Everyday is a battle with the desire to eat and eat and eat. Over time, the food has won. And I battle with what I think other people will think. How they, especially Christians, will judge me.
I've only told a few people about the surgery. Now I'm letting the world know. I believe its important for my recovery that I not hide this in a corner. Whether anyone reads this or not isn't important. My food cravings won't go away just because I can't eat much. Journaling has always helped me cope during tough times. I'm hoping it will help now, and that maybe it will help others.
A verse came to me in church last Sunday that confirmed my decision. Jesus said it in Matthew 5:29. "If your eye offends you, pluck it out." Its better to go without the eye or the hand that causes you to sin, than to keep it and endure hell (my interpretation). Hence the name of my blog: If Your Stomach Offends You, Tie It Off. It's better to go through life without much of a stomach than to live in the despair and physical destruction caused by food addiction.
I've only told a few people about the surgery. Now I'm letting the world know. I believe its important for my recovery that I not hide this in a corner. Whether anyone reads this or not isn't important. My food cravings won't go away just because I can't eat much. Journaling has always helped me cope during tough times. I'm hoping it will help now, and that maybe it will help others.
A verse came to me in church last Sunday that confirmed my decision. Jesus said it in Matthew 5:29. "If your eye offends you, pluck it out." Its better to go without the eye or the hand that causes you to sin, than to keep it and endure hell (my interpretation). Hence the name of my blog: If Your Stomach Offends You, Tie It Off. It's better to go through life without much of a stomach than to live in the despair and physical destruction caused by food addiction.
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