Trimming the Fat

Well, what can I say. I'm back at work full blast. I see kids before school and a large number of kids after school in order to bring up the number of contacts with the kids, both for their sake and for mine. If they qualify, I can see them 5x a week for math, 5x for reading. But fitting that many contacts into the school day is extremely difficult, especially with a lot of the scheduling changes to accommodate the smaller population at RCS. But my program brings in money based on the number of contacts I have with the kids. Also, the kids really need the extra help.

I'm really glad I have the weight off, or I would never be able to handle that many straight periods of teaching. I think I teach for 10 or 11 periods a day. Then I go home and eat and then try over the next 2 hours to get out and walk for at least an hour. I check out Facebook and Lapbandtalk, play a little Mafia Wars while I watch a little TV. I think about writing in my blog--and sometimes I still do--then I go to bed.

Food is going well despite loss of restriction. I can't get in to get a fill until Oct. 27. So I'm back dieting until then. That's a royal pain. It was so nice knowing the band wasn't going to let me overeat. Now its hanging on by my fingernails time again.

One thing thats actually helping right now is the fact that I've divested myself of all church commitments except for choir. I spend time with my grandchildren, but other than that I haven't much of a life. I'm not a phone person, so spend very little time talking to people. The lack of things to do, instead of always running, actually allows me some structure and predictability in my life--especially my evenings, which is a friend to dealing with food. My days have never been that much of a problem because work has a routine. It's always been evenings and weekends that the food gets out of control because there are no routines to act a external controls.

I feel like God is preparing me for something. I just don't know what. I think about getting involved with certain things and then I think--do I really want to? I'm becoming somewhat reclusive, a loner, in my personal life. I think I appear gregarious in public but there's always a certain level of discomfort in a public setting. Will I put my foot in my mouth? Will I talk more than I should? Will I accidentally hurt someone's feelings? Will I get pulled into gossip? Will I express myself poorly and will someone take what I said the wrong way and try to cause trouble for me? Will I unknowingly lose a friendship?

Those are the fears of an ADHD adult woman. Fears founded in reality for all those things have happened to me. Frequently.

I still chat on lapbandtalk. I've poured out a lot of myself into this blog. I respond to other's comments on Facebook, but have very little to say myself. I'm running out of words for this blog. I've been emptied in some ways. As the food takes more of a back seat in my life, and I run out of words, and the committments to all but family have been dropping away, I'm wondering what's going to replace it.

Even my job could end after this year. I can feel myself withdrawing slightly from all the things I did at RCS-letting go of RCS' future. I've planted a lot of seeds, now its in other's hands. I'm seeing the fruit of some of those seeds which makes me feel incredibly humble that God has used and is continuing to use those ideas.

God is changing me. Removing baggage. Trimming the fat (LOL) in more ways than one. I'm waiting for the next great passion to hit. The thing that will grab me and motivate me and give me vision and trigger my problem solving ideas. If I could get paid for having ideas, I'd be rich.

By the way, I'm up to a 44 lb weight loss. That leaves 26 to go.

God is good, all the time.
All the time, God is good.

Greek Food and Monkey Bars!

My first full week of school really kicked my butt--need the extended weekend to recover. Lost a couple more pounds. I brought several items to stock up at school. I love the peel-a-can tunas and chicken. I have some applesauces and low-sodium V-8s. I also have some protein shakes. None of them need refrigerating, they're all pre-measured amounts. So far, that's working great.

Whoo hoo! I'm at a 40 lb weight loss--30 more to go. I tried on the outfit I got married in in 2000 and it fits! Its very elegant and will fit even better by my October reunions.

Went to a Greek restaurant tonight and had my first glass of wine in forever. It tasted really good and I used it to moisten my appetizers since I'm so restricted and I did want to enjoy my food without pb-ing. Had some flaming Greek cheese, some stuffed vine leaves(pork and rice) with yoghurt, and ate some of the spinach filling out of some spanokopitakia or something like that. My husband also ordered a salad and I had a few bites of that. I love sharing appetizers.

My husband is a very slow eater and I used to gobble my food and then have to sit there and wait while he finished eating. It took forever. Now, I'm eating more slowly and much smaller bites than him. I actually ate for an hour and didn't eat too much! What a change.Wonderful food. I only had 2 protein shakes all day so I could enjoy my meal out without guilt. Then we parked where we could walk to downtown Chicago and just walked around enjoying the crowds and the sights. I had walked in the morning for an hour, too, so got plenty of exercise.

I got called to sing on the praise team tomorrow morning so I'll be up bright and early since we practice before the early service. That's always a great start to my Sundays.

Had a granddaughter (3yrs.) demand that her dad take her over to see me, so she was over a few hrs. today. She's a stitch. Talks non-stop. Huge words. Took her to the park and was actually able to go down the slide with her. Haven't done that in a long time. Haven't been able to do that in a long time. I also climbed up a sloping set of monkey bars with railings to show her how to do it. Never thought I'd do anything like that ever again either. I also crawled through a tunnel, but that killed my fake knees.

Hope to see a few more grandchildren this weekend. My mildly autistic grandson is very dear to my heart. He's 4yrs old and I see him and his little brother Josh (2yrs) a lot. They get so excited when they see me. Grandkids are the best therapy.

And now I can play with them better than ever. I think I'll take them to the park and go down the slides with them and climb up the monkey bars (but no tunnels.) I love the new designs for playground equipment. So cool. I'm really into this second childhood thing. Whoo hoo!

God is good, all the time,
All the time, God is good.

Progress Isn't Just Measured in Pounds Lost.

In 12-step programs there is a saying: Progress not Perfection. I wrote in response to a comment on a post: Progress isn't just measured in pounds lost. I came home late last night and tried to write my blog but couldn't. I kept falling asleep. I reread what I wrote and thank God I didn't publish the post. I could not get my thoughts together.

Part of what threw me was that I wasn't yet able to write about having had a chocolate malt while I was out with my husband. Intellectually, I don't believe there was anything wrong with that. It was a conscious choice on my part to allow myself a treat. But the subconscious fear was also there, waiting to sabotage me. Will this trigger me to start eating a lot of carbs again?

There are a lot of so-called experts out there who believe that carbs, especially simple carbs like sugar, trigger binges. They may be right. But a freshly made turkey or a spit-roasted chicken can do the same to me and according to the gurus, protein isn't supposed to do that. So was the malt the healthiest choice I could have made? No. Was it a bad choice? No. What's going to make me binge? The malt or the guilt? I vote guilt.

Today, I am right back on my protocol. I may eat a little less to make up for yesterday's extra calories. I may not. I am one of those "get a phone call may travel" kinds of people. Some days I have an idea what I'm going to do for lunch and supper, other days I don't. I always leave myself open to possibilities.

So is progress not ever having a chocolate malt? Or is progress making it a conscious choice to have a treat and then getting right back on my food protocol? Is progress pretending I didn't have that chocolate malt or going ahead and writing about it and working through the issues it brought up?

I think you know where my vote lies.

All things in moderation is a very Biblical concept. Do I want to flaunt that chocolate malt and lead others astray who might not be able to handle it? No. I would not flaunt alcohol in front of an alcoholic either. What's right for me is not right for everyone. We learn the difference through trial and error.

Let me tell you. I see so many people beating themselves up for gaining a lb., not reaching a certain BMI, falling off their food protocol, losing too slowly. I think they would be better off keeping a progress journal with entries like: My stomach doesn't stick out farther than my boobs. I can sleep on my stomach. I'm not snorting myself awake. I can cross my legs now. I can walk for over an hour. I had a treat and got right back to my food protocol. I didn't binge. Good for me!

I've said this before in an early blog: Don't "should" on yourself. Don't "should" on others. Don't let other people "should" on you (don't internalize their criticisms.) Or, as the Bible says, "Judge not that ye be not judged."

Why'd I Get Lapband?

I thought I'd talk about and show you some of the reasons why I went for lap band surgery. Obviously my health was the chief reason. I have the trifecta--high blood pressure, cholesterol and blood sugar. Not to mention osteo-arthritis that's exacerbated by the weight. I want to be healthy. I don't want to make a meal of drugs.

I also have a husband, 3 grown children and 2 grown stepchildren, and 7 grandchildren. They love me. I love them. I want to be able to take care of my grandchildren, keep up with them, play with them, pick them up and hug them, and take them places. That was getting hard to do. With 29 lbs. lost I'm already having a lot more fun with them.

I love to garden--flowers. It had become very painful and I had to go very slowly with the never-ending weeding. Artificial knees make it very difficult for me to kneel or squat for any length of time or to sit or lay down on the grass to weed. The weight made it even harder. My weight made it difficult to bend over or use a shovel. I would get breathless. I did some extended weeding and clipping yesterday and got done quickly and experienced no pain during or afterwards.

I love getting out and walking, going to fests and listening to music, singing in choir and on praise teams. Standing for any length of time was becoming more and more difficult. Walking also put me in pain. I walk over an hour now each day. The other day my husband and I went to downtown Chicago where we walked miles up and down Michigan Ave., all over Millenium Park and across to Daley Plaza and back. We walked from the Buckingham Fountain along the lakefront all the way to Navy Pier and all the way down the pier and back.

I was also finding it difficult to work. I teach at-risk students at a Christian school on the south side of Chicaco. I teach groups ranging from 8-12 students for 8 or 9 periods a day. I have the students with academic and frequently behavioral issue. I already struggle with high blood pressure and believe me there were times I could feel it go up. The kids would say, "Mrs. Flory you're turning red."

I'd stiffen so much when I'd sit for any length of time. Getting up to go to the board or to fetch materials was painful. Standing and teaching could only be done for short periods of time. Bending over students for any length of time was difficult.

I work in an old building with no handicapped accomodations and lots of stairs. I really began to wonder how much longer I could continue teaching. I'm only 57 and can't afford early retirement and was beginning to believe I'd have to go on disability.

Let me show you one of the reasons why I don't want to do that. I'm including a link to a video of a student of mine named Arthur. Arthur has an incredible story to tell. I'm an integral part of his story because I taught him to read and do math. You'll see me teaching him in the video. I helped interview him for the video though you won't hear me. I got my lap band in part because I didn't want to give up making a difference in children's lives.

Here's the link: http://cltv8.com/rcs/micro4v2/.

I felt like I was sacrificing my life in order to keep teaching. Hopefully, with the weight off, teaching will be much easier on me physically, and with more physical strength it should be mentally and emotionally less draining as well. In fact, I expect to experience a lot more joy while teaching. Constant pain robs you of joy. Joy should be effortless and should float like a ballon. When you're heavy, you are weighed down and joy becomes an effort. I want effortless, effervescent joy.

I want all barriers removed between myself and people and between myself and God. Food and fat are barriers to intimacy (see my last post.) I want to have fun and relax and enjoy myself around people without food getting in the way. I want to enjoy fellowship with God. I want to be by myself with him without being distracted by needing to go get something to eat, or by having to be chewing on something in order to concentrate on him.

Today I went out for lunch with a friend. We sat and talked and laughed for a long time. We shared about our lives. I ate half a spinach & chicken salad and took half home. It was enough. I set the extra to the side and forgot about it. It was a healthy choice. It was delicious and I enjoyed it. But it didn't get between me and my friend.

These are the reasons I got a lapband.

Saboteur-Perfectionism,

Perfectionism can sabotage compulsive overeaters very quickly. As I read the posts of other bandsters I can see people sabotaging themselves, beating themselves up, setting themselves up for failure, because they were less than perfect in their adherance to a food protocol. Many bandsters are able to relax with their bands and trust the bands. But not those going through band or bandster hell--that time when their bands have not yet been filled enough to create the restriction they need, and they're trying desperately to maintain the food protocol and lose weight using all the tricks that never worked for them in the past--at least not for long.

I've been losing weight while I wait for my first fill on August 11, but it's slowed way down. I told myself that it was good enough not to gain during this time. I've also given myself the accountability of writing in this blog every night and I think that really helps. I'm very aware of the trap of perfectionism and am trying to avoid it.

There are some posts from people in bandster hell that are almost despairing. They were so excited by the weight loss they experienced while on the liquid portion of the food protocol and are now utterly dismayed that as their eating returned to normal their weight loss has stopped. I particularly feel sorry for those who've had several fills and are not yet experiencing restriction.

I also see the addiction to weighing every day on the scale and how a normal variation in weight that causes a temporary small gain can sabotage them. Most times its just water weight from PMS or traveling in a car, but it sends them into a tizzy.

One bandster unexpectedly reached goal when her Dr. looked at her and told her to not pay attention to the BMI guidelines. She hadn't lost in a couple of months and was despairing of reaching a healthy BMI. Fortunately her Dr. looked at her and not at the charts. The woman is 175 lbs but wears a size 8 or 10. She has to be a beanpole and very tall or very muscular to weigh that much and wear that small a size. Or maybe she has thick legs. But she went from a size 26 to a size 8 and she was beating herself up for not being able to lose the last 7 or 8 lbs to reach a "normal" BMI.

Various people were posting about their BMI's (Body Mass Index) and whether they wanted to go for the "normal" BMI or the BMI Weight Watchers has said is the "healthiest." Thank God my Dr. never mentioned my BMI. He just eyeballed me and said, "Based on your age and your height you probably ought to go for about 170 lbs." I was so relieved. That'll put me in a size 14 or 12 which I am perfectly happy to wear. I feel great at that weight and look fine. I have no desire to be skinny.

Trying to look perfect was what got me started dieting when I wasn't even fat and led to the cycle of binge/purge(diet) that screwed up my metabolism and got me fat in the first place. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.

There was only ever one human being that did life perfectly and I'm not he. I'm me. And I'm loved for the Cheri I've been, the Cheri I'm becoming, and the Cheri I will be when all my warts and peccadillos and struggles aren't eliminated, but are transformed into something beautiful when he comes for me. None of this nonsense about food and weight and being perfect is going to amount to a hill of beans when he gathers me up in his arms and holds me and calls me his precious child.