I Am Not Lazy

I think about my motivation to work. ADHD makes a lot of things difficult for me. Organization and focusing issues, procrastination, needing the pressure of urgency, a deadline, a self-imposed goal and time-line to get things done. I've been accused of being lazy. Maybe I am. But its more a matter of there being a great need for something to be done to keep me focused and on task.

One of the reasons I'm afraid of reaching my weight goal is that the urgency that keeps me on task with my food will be gone. Whenever, I have trouble getting at things that overwhelm me (like cleaning and organizing closets and getting rid of old clothes), I remind myself that I am not lazy. I am ADHD. I work very hard at Roseland Christian School, going well beyond what I'm paid or expected to do.

I love my job. I love teaching. I love the school I teach at. I put in very full hours teaching. On Tuesdays, I have no breaks. My assistant is there and that helps, but its a long day. I have kids in my room before and after school. They love to be in my room. They love to learn. They're safe at our school and they are loved and they know it.

Three blocks from our school a young man was beaten to death with a 2 by 4. Footage made it to TV sets around the world. I always feel a sense of urgency to reach these kids and give them the tools to not be seduced by the street culture that destroys so many of these young lives.

Pray that Roseland Christian School will make it. Finances are precarious. Most people with money just don't see the importance of our work. I'd love to see us expand and keep tuition cheap enough that more children could come here. Places like this are the hope for these urban areas. We make a difference where it counts, one child at a time.

Thank God for what you've got. In some ways this is like a war zone. A third world country. Inside the USA.

Pray that I'll be able to keep working here. I've built relationships with these kids over the years I've had them. The relationships are a huge part of why I'm so effective. For them, I will work my a$$ off.

Not just for myself, not just for my grandchildren, but for this job and this school, I want to keep the weight off. I have so much more energy for the children. I think I actually have more patience because I'm not so wiped out.

God is good, all the time.
All the time, God is good.

Trimming the Fat

Well, what can I say. I'm back at work full blast. I see kids before school and a large number of kids after school in order to bring up the number of contacts with the kids, both for their sake and for mine. If they qualify, I can see them 5x a week for math, 5x for reading. But fitting that many contacts into the school day is extremely difficult, especially with a lot of the scheduling changes to accommodate the smaller population at RCS. But my program brings in money based on the number of contacts I have with the kids. Also, the kids really need the extra help.

I'm really glad I have the weight off, or I would never be able to handle that many straight periods of teaching. I think I teach for 10 or 11 periods a day. Then I go home and eat and then try over the next 2 hours to get out and walk for at least an hour. I check out Facebook and Lapbandtalk, play a little Mafia Wars while I watch a little TV. I think about writing in my blog--and sometimes I still do--then I go to bed.

Food is going well despite loss of restriction. I can't get in to get a fill until Oct. 27. So I'm back dieting until then. That's a royal pain. It was so nice knowing the band wasn't going to let me overeat. Now its hanging on by my fingernails time again.

One thing thats actually helping right now is the fact that I've divested myself of all church commitments except for choir. I spend time with my grandchildren, but other than that I haven't much of a life. I'm not a phone person, so spend very little time talking to people. The lack of things to do, instead of always running, actually allows me some structure and predictability in my life--especially my evenings, which is a friend to dealing with food. My days have never been that much of a problem because work has a routine. It's always been evenings and weekends that the food gets out of control because there are no routines to act a external controls.

I feel like God is preparing me for something. I just don't know what. I think about getting involved with certain things and then I think--do I really want to? I'm becoming somewhat reclusive, a loner, in my personal life. I think I appear gregarious in public but there's always a certain level of discomfort in a public setting. Will I put my foot in my mouth? Will I talk more than I should? Will I accidentally hurt someone's feelings? Will I get pulled into gossip? Will I express myself poorly and will someone take what I said the wrong way and try to cause trouble for me? Will I unknowingly lose a friendship?

Those are the fears of an ADHD adult woman. Fears founded in reality for all those things have happened to me. Frequently.

I still chat on lapbandtalk. I've poured out a lot of myself into this blog. I respond to other's comments on Facebook, but have very little to say myself. I'm running out of words for this blog. I've been emptied in some ways. As the food takes more of a back seat in my life, and I run out of words, and the committments to all but family have been dropping away, I'm wondering what's going to replace it.

Even my job could end after this year. I can feel myself withdrawing slightly from all the things I did at RCS-letting go of RCS' future. I've planted a lot of seeds, now its in other's hands. I'm seeing the fruit of some of those seeds which makes me feel incredibly humble that God has used and is continuing to use those ideas.

God is changing me. Removing baggage. Trimming the fat (LOL) in more ways than one. I'm waiting for the next great passion to hit. The thing that will grab me and motivate me and give me vision and trigger my problem solving ideas. If I could get paid for having ideas, I'd be rich.

By the way, I'm up to a 44 lb weight loss. That leaves 26 to go.

God is good, all the time.
All the time, God is good.

Fighting the Good Fight

I need another fill. First one didn't do squat. I called Doc's office and they weren't going to schedule me till end of Sept. for another one, which is my surgeon's first available, till I spoke up for myself. It doesn't have to be my Dr. It wasn't my Dr. the last time. I just asked the nurse if they were going to leave me hanging by my fingernails again and they moved it up 4 weeks. Amazing. Now just pray my insurance company will get the referral for the fill approved and done right away.

I was so surprised to have no restriction after the first fill last Tuesday. I tried eating just meat to see how much I could eat. I stopped at half a pound of hamburger. I should definitely have felt restriction but I could have kept on eating. So I'm doing my modified Atkins to keep losing (and limiting portions) but I'm getting no help from my band.

It's only by the grace of God, writing this blog, and the support of my fellow bandsters that I'm doing so well. I go to my regular Doc on Weds. Going in for bloodwork tomorrow. Hoping for a good report on my cholesterol, blood pressure and sugar. I'm off 3 medicines. Woo hoo. I'd like to drop another pill soon.

Two more lbs. to half-way (35 lbs) and 5 more to onederland.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

I found an old outfit that I like in my closet that fit. It'll be great for teaching. I've been going to thrift stores and buying things that are a little too small. I'm back in an XL but hopefully won't be for long.

I've got a high school class reunion and a college reunion in October that I'm actually looking forward to attending. They might actually recognize me without some of the extra fat.


My life is getting busy preparing for school to start August 26th. Got two inservices this week at Roseland Christian School. I also have a meeting with the vendor who provides my services, Elim Christian School, and my co-workers there who work at other Christian schools providing academic support.

Pray for Roseland Christian School. They need forty more students to enroll to meet their already greatly reduced projected budget. They also need donors who will ignore their fear of the recession and step up to the plate to help us get through this tough time. For my school, its all about bringing justice in education to a community that hasn't had much of that. Not just that. This is quality Christian education. This school is celebrating 125 years in the Roseland community on the south side of Chicago. They did not run away when the community changed ethnicity. They deserve to be there 125 more years should the Lord delay his coming.

This school is my passion. Teaching these students is my calling. They're part of the reason I got the lapband. I'm not yet ready to quit. Last year one of our graduates (and the daughter of one of our teachers) was shot in the shoulder on her way to the grocery store-one block from our school. The year before one of our graduates jumped in front of a girl about to be shot by her former boyfriend on a city bus. He was killed. We also have alumni who are pastors, lawyers, comedians, and entrepreneurs. Our students face unbelievable odds when they leave the safety of our halls. RCS makes a difference. I make a difference. Pray that we can keep it up.

I want to be able to say with Paul at the end of my life: I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day--and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing. II Timothy 4:7,8



This is a link to a website that shows some powerful videos of who RCS is and what it does. I'm in the video Testimony of a Student. The video Testimony of a Teacher is also very powerful. Don't watch these videos if you don't like being lifted up and moved to tears.

http://wearercs.com/