The Band is Good, Life is Good, God is Good.

Last night my husband and I went to see Avatar. Incredible! The new 3-D technology is amazing. The world they created was stunningly beautiful and the action was out of this world--literally. I ate movie popcorn for the first time in forever. Then we went to Barnes and Nobles and read for a while and I had a Starbucks Mocha Latte (decaf). Spent the evening watching Wild Hogs and then playing with the new Wii. Nice New Year's Eve.

Despite movie popcorn and starbucks mocha yesterday I was down a pound today. Probably the exercise I got yesterday (went walking for over an hour) and the fact that in addition I only had a protein shake and a little turkey and some milk in my coffee yesterday. So just one more holiday lb to go. I can't believe how well I weathered this holiday. Thank you God, thank you band.

You know, I'm not dealing with depression much lately. I guess you don't realize how much of it has gone because it goes away so gradually, but today I realized how positive I'm feeling. I have a happy light I sit under at night while I combine watching TV with Facebook, Lapbandtalk, and occasionally writing in my blog. I also take mega doses of Vitamin D. Both have helped me considerably. Losing weight and getting back in shape might not have happened without them and now the weight loss and physical health are making me feel great.

I think I've really been working on that "change your thoughts, change your brain, change your life thing." Keeping my Phillipians verses in mind--I am content, no matter what my circumstance, I can do all things through him who strengthens me, and thinking about what is good and noble and lovely, have all been part of the process. I've done some dumping and ranting on here and on lapbandtalk but that was just cleaning out the garbage.

I have always been at my highest level of energy in the morning and days when there's sunlight I get a lot accomplished. Days when there's not I can really drag at home. Fortunately, my classroom is well lit with florescents and has huge windows on the south side. It also has locked iron gates over them because they're at ground level in a very bad neighborhood, but I don't notice them anymore. I'm going to buy vines and twine them through and add flowers.

Now that my holiday cold is just remnants I've been continuing work on closets and sorting jewelry and cleaning. Won't get as much done this vacation as I would if I'd been healthy but, oh well. Today the sun was shining though it was cold outside, so I stayed in my well-lit living/dining room and got a lot done.

Today I totally forgot about eating. I kept drinking coffee with milk and my husband had mixed some choc.raspberry flavored real cofee in with my decaf. I didn't realize I hadn't eaten till 4 p.m. So I stewed all my turkey meat from Sunday and added peas and canned gravy. Yummm! But I didn't eat too much. Bet I'm down another lb. by tomorrow.

I spent hours on the phone today talking to each of my brothers and sisters. (I'm the oldest of five.) My husband found my headset so I was able to pace while I talked and eventually started cleaning. So now I've got the Wii to keep me busy at night and I'm making a NY resolution to call my brothers and sisters more in the evenings. My one brother lives in CA and the other in MI. I have a sister in TN and another who lives 40 minutes from me but who's 15 yrs younger than me and has a very busy family. One of her daughters (6th grade) has been having increased epileptic seizures and she's been very busy Dr.ing with her and being available to get her from school. I don't see her that much so I'm going to try calling her more.

My sister would love it if I could come and work with my neice as the seizure disorder is accompanied by learning disabilities and she's really struggling in school now. My daughter also wants me to attend my grandson's meeting so she has someone knowledgeable on her side when she insists on official accommodations for him. If I'm not working next year I'd be able to work with both of them, my neice and my grandson.

I finished emptying several drawers in our bedroom. My husband was so happy to get 6 drawers in our bedroom and half a closet in the den next door. He'll get rid of the rubbermaid dresser in the other sitting room which also has only half a closet so he was hanging things on the back of the door. That will make that room so much roomier. Once we get the basement fixed up again either the little den or the little sitting room will become a guest bedroom and the furniture will go downstairs.

I'll be able to entertain and have grandchildren stay overnight. My parents will probably be selling their house and going into a retirement village so my relatives will need a place to come and maybe I'll actually have a place everyone can gather.

Although I am going to have my two grandsons stay overnight tomorrow night. I have a blow-up bed I'll put in the living room for one grandson and put the other one on the couch. I'm leaving up my Christmas stuff so they can see it and fall asleep looking at the lights on the Christmas tree. I loved doing that when I was little.

We'll take down the Christmas decorations on Sunday. I think we're down to 4 or 5 bins. Over time things get broken.

My husband cleaned the basement floor which is now down to the concrete so my grandsons can play down there. I have a corner table with benches and chairs (70's orange naugahyde era) and my 5 yr. old grandson and I will build a lincoln log town on it. My daughter's bringing some riding toys with so they can ride them in the basement. The 2 yr old will love that.

We've got the Wii to teach my 5 yr. old--he'll love the boxing, and we have Candyland and my husband's diecast model cars which they know they have to be very careful playing with and they are. My daughter will bring along a few other favorites.

She needs the break. The boys are extremely ranbunctious for the 4-5 hours before bedtime with the 2 yr old refusing to leave the autistic 5 yr old alone. He's a little bulldozer and finally the five yr old gets mad and shoves him or throws something at him. The 2 yr old always has a new contusion on his face every time I see him. My daughter is exhausted. Her husband works nights and a lot of overtime.

Maybe you can tell I'm really excited about having them overnight. The hard part will be getting them to go to sleep in strange surroundings. Also, the 5 yr. old consistently wakes up at 6 and I've been sleeping till 8. LOL. Will get me back into Monday-go-back-to-work mode.

I'm so glad we got the water and mold problem resolved in the basement. Its ugly as sin down there but I can have people over again.

I'm feeling really optimistic about the new year. I'm very confident my husband will get some kind of work. Lots of security guard work available and they actually like guys his age with a good work history. Waitin' on his official PI certificate (that's what security guards need in IL) to arrive, but he's been filling out all kinds of applications on line and sending resumes.

Roseland Christian School should finish out the school year OK which means I'll have a salary till next Sept. no matter what. If DH is employed and I get unemployment I'll have time next summer to work on employment and going back to school. Possibly rearrange my life completely. Or not. I'm doing the footwork but the results are in God's hands.

So, another humongous post. Probably the last one for awhile as I'll be going back to work Monday. And trying to set up a course this semester that will apply towards my Masters in Sp. Ed. That will keep me busy, also. Less time to eat.

God is good all the time,
All the time, God is good.

Birthdays, Colds, Getting Slimed, Maintenance and Post-Holiday Food Plans

Been fighting a bad cold while attending and hosting Christmas parties. Nyquil has been my friend. I'm going to try to sleep tonight with out it. I may have to form a support group for those getting off the stuff. I think I'll call it Nyquit.

People keep saying their bands get tighter when they're sick. I believe that, but I don't think its the band getting tighter, its the band filling with phlegm. There's no room for food, and when you pb (puke back) it really triggers the drainage. Gives new meaning to the phrase "getting slimed." Also, your tissue swells. Your nose, your sinuses, your throat--probably your esophagus and stomach too.

I've been doing most of my writing these past few days on lapbandtalk. I post mostly on the I'm here to help thread under Mentors. I've been digging into some of the relative issues that I can't talk about here. Writing is amazingly cathartic. And I know the people on lapbandtalk really read my posts and comment on them and appreciate them. We can let our hair down about almost anything--from passing kidney stones to how we like our veggies cooked (Most of us prefer softer-not crisp).

And there are so many things that can drive us into the food. So many saboteurs to our serenity. One woman hasn't posted for some time and regained 40 lbs. She actually had too tight a band. She couldn't eat the healthy foods like meat and vegetables, so was eating all the sliders--the things with high carb and fat content that slide right through the band. So she had some of her fill removed and she's back on the bandwagon, posting and changing her food plan.

I'm approaching maintenance and will have to walk that thin line between having enough restriction but not so much that all I can eat is sliders. I really love meat, though, so I don't think I could stand not being able to eat that.

Now that the holidays and my birthday are over, I can get back on track with the food. I've given myself leeway to eat a lot of things not on my protocol over the holidays and my birthday, which was today. I've gained and lost the same 2-3 lbs and not more, which is surprising because I couldn't exercise this last week due to a heavy head cold. Did I say it was my birthday today? (I got my excercise today at Kohl's spending gift card money. I have to replace almost my entire wardrobe.)

Had to have some sliders for my birthday today, but no parties planned for NYE so far so I'm pretty safe. Also, not any $ left for going out for eats and treats. Not much left in the house either except meat and veggies. Don't do potatoes, rice, bread, pasta, or pastries unless I'm eating out or at parties, and even then I'm very cautious cause they can make me pb.

My downfall is choc or cr. chz. frosting, chocolate candy, ice cream, choc. malts, and chocolate or chocolate/caramelly cookies, fudge etc. Those are definitely sliders I could live on. So I don't keep them in the house. No more parties, so shouldn't be encountering them much except sometimes at school if someone brings a treat. Then I have a small piece so I won't feel deprived.The band definitely limits my portions on meat and veggies although I can manage to eat quite a bit of them at night.

I do drink a lot of decaf coffee throughout the day but they're about a third 1 % milk so I get at least 2 or 3 cups of milk a day. Drink it with Splenda. Sometimes I mix in a pkg of Diet Hot Chocolate for a treat.As I'm moving to maintenance I'm planning to try to eat more fruit, maybe have some plain Kiefer (like yoghurt only better for you) with some concentrated fruit juice like pomegranite and/or some berries in it with Splenda sprinkled in for breakfast instead of my protein shake on some mornings.

I also like the no sugar added little cups of applesauce for an afternoon snack at school. Or I might start taking a bag of Clementines to work and eating one of those in the afternoon. Trouble is, the kids love those and are always begging me to share with them.I do eat small amounts of lightly roasted and salted (shelled) sunflower seeds throughout the day. I often treat the students to a teaspoon of them at the end of each period if they've worked hard and haven't caused any problems. I tell them its brain food, and it actually is very good food for the brain. Keeps my brain going also.

So, that's my basic food plan. I'm not a hot or cold cereal lover, and have never been a big sandwich eater, so I keep protein shakes and small peel-off tins of 3 oz tuna or chicken at school for lunch.Then mostly meat and some veggies for supper.

This is the closest to a food plan that I get. I don't weigh or measure or count anything. With my ADHD that way lies insanity. This is very simple. I just keep the things I can eat in the house and at school, and keep the rest out of the house.

I discourage my husband from taking home any fast food and he doesn't eat junk food around me anymore. If its in the house, its so well hidden I couldn't find it but I don't go looking either.

We rarely eat out, except for Sunday breakfast after church sometimes, and then I stick to 1/3 of a feta and spinach omelette with a couple pieces of bacon and my husband eats the rest.

I'm 6 lbs from goal and should reach that by the end of January. Then I want to lose 5 more as a cushion but I'm not setting a deadline for that. I'll let that merge into maintenance over a number of months. That's my plan, and with the help of God, the band and all you wonderful people, I'm sticking to it.

I still haven't heard back from the school I want to go to--at least not from the Sp. Ed. Dept chair who would determine what courses I need to take. I'm surprised she hasn't checked her phone messages or e-mail. The Reading Specialist chair got right back to me. So I'm on hold right now for enrolling for this next semester. I'm going to try tomorrow again, but being New Year's Eve day, I doubt I'll have much success. Maybe I can find out when classes start and get ahold of someone who will set up an appointment with the person I need to contact. I hate having to do this once I'm back teaching. I have no time to spend during the day on phone calls and I can't get away to run to the school to enroll.

In some ways I'd really like to go the self-employed route if my job ends at RCS. I could get set up to tutor home-schooled kids who are struggling. I could probably get jobs subbing at all kinds of schools. Not my favorite choice. I have a grandson and a niece who would benefit from my tutoring or helping their mothers home-school them. My neice has seizures that have given her learning disabilities and are making it difficult for her to attend school. My grandson has autism and the school system is resisting giving him an IEP and making accommodations for him.

I really love the tutoring/teaching side of special education and, unfortunately, so many special ed teachers spend the majority of their time testing, filling out forms, sitting in meetings, and writing IEPs on kids. Then they advise the teacher how to meet the needs of the students in the regular classroom (which is seldom very effective). Yuck. But the credentials could get me consulting jobs or jobs presenting and training teachers in various materials, methods and techniques. That, I think, I could do and would enjoy.

School starts Monday and it seems so close already. I didn't get to do all I wanted to get done this Christmas but I cleaned out a lot of clothes and drawers and plan to sort my jewelry into the jewelry chest my husband got me for my birthday.

We also got a Wii for Christmas for each other and we have a gift card we'll use to purchase the Wii Activ. Now we'll have a way for us to exercise at night instead of watching the TV. It'll put more variety in my workout as well.

My husband is also very actively looking for a job in the security guard field and there are lots of openings. That relieves a lot of my anxiety about losing my own job next fall.

Slowly things fall into place. God has a plan and, in the long run, that plan is not to harm but to prosper us.

All things work together for good for those who love the Lord.

Maintenance Fears

Studies have shown that a subset of people with food addictions have an even harder time losing weight and maintaining than other food addicts. After testing, it was determined that these people have ADHD and use food to self-medicate their ADHD. The ADHD also prevents them from doing things like counting pts., calories, protein, carbs or any system out there. They have trouble keeping track of things on paper, or on Blackberries or any other device or system.

They are also much more likely to give in to impulses because the part of the brain that governs impulses is actually less active than in people without ADHD. In fact, brain imaging shows that the harder ADHD people try to focus on something they find difficult to do, the less active that part of the brain becomes.

It's like being a perpetual teenager where possible long term consequences aren't important enough to inhibit short term behavior. We use food to quell our restlessness, give us an outlet for our energy (biting, chewing, swallowing), and to enable us to sit still and concentrate. We have trouble maintaining anything longterm. ADHD is closely tied to almost all addictions, and makes recovery very difficult from any addiction. If you haven't experienced it, its hard to describe it.

I will tell you that my husband has absolutely no doubts about my ADHD. He used to get up and get me chocolate just to settle me down and get me to sit.

However, ADHD people can go into hyper-focus with something that really interests them and can complete a major project in a short period of time. Just like I've lost most of the weight in a short period of time. However, once a project is completed they lose interest and go on to the next thing.

Entrepreneurs are frequently ADHD. Once they've established their company, they need to turn it over to others to manage it or they'll destroy what they've created. That's like me and maintenance. Goal achieved, interest gone.

ADHD people are creative and spontaneous. Those are our gifts. But most of us are not cabable of following even a relatively rigid routine. I know that I have to do some of the work. But I need the band to be pretty tight to check those impulses very quickly. I know better than to think that I can do it myself. Right now, I pb with one or two small bites of dense protein. Especially if I've had no sliders all day long except liquids. But after five minutes I can go ahead and eat a 6-8 oz filet mignon as long as I eat small bites slowly and chew well. I could then keep eating all night long anything I want as long as I eat slowly and chew well.

Right now I'm choosing to stop eating. But that's because I have that short-term goal in mind. Once I reach it, I'll lose that hyper-focus.

Also, my band has loosened as I've lost weight, and 5-7 lbs tends to loosen the band enough so that I need another fill. Since I want to lose more than that in order to build in a cushion, I'm pretty sure I'll need another fill both to get there and then to help me maintain. Even with another fill, I don't expect it to be easy.

I could be wrong. I hope I am. But most people don't outgrow ADHD. They learn to cope with it and to find compensating techniques. Well, my major compensating technique has been food. I'm trying to figure out how to deal with the ADHD without food.

Going back to school will be a major test of that. I don't know how to study without food. I don't know how to get through research without food. I don't even want to think about writing papers and doing footnotes and bibliographies without food.

Initially, I'm hoping that it will be interesting and challenging enough to hold my attention. The school may also have help available for people with an identified learning disability. Don't know if they do at a master's level, however.

I'm also looking into a support group for ADHD. I've got the spiritual support. I've got the lap-bandtalk support. I use my blog and lapbandtalk to supply emotional support and to deal with my issues. I've got a strong 12-step background.

The hardest part is the ADHD combined with the addiction center of my brain. I may end up on medication for the ADHD. I will do that before I'll let the food take over my life and my health again.

Meanwhile, the high protein low carb food protocol I'm on is actually recommended for ADHD. But I've successfully done this protocol before and eventually the ADHD has always overpowered it. But I've never had the band before and I'm praying a tight band will make the difference.

Meanwhile, I continue to work on changing my thoughts in order to change my brain in order to change my life. I need to believe that, with God's help, this band will provide me with the appropriate tool to permanantly change my eating habits.

I also need to continue to work on getting my own life and getting what I want from my life and relationships whether others concur or not. I've got to accept people for who they are and where they're at but not let that impede me from doing what I need to do to take care of myself. That, too, is changing those old codependant thoughts that have furrowed such a deep rut in my brain that I'll probably be working on changing them for the rest of my life.

It would be really nice if God let me know very clearly whether or not I should go back to school to get my masters. But it seems he wants me to do the footwork of investigating schools and thinking about the long-term consequences of getting the degree or not getting the degree.

Just like he chose not to remove the food addiction but cleared the way for me to have lapband surgery, I have to go through the process. Just like he hasn't gifted my husband with a job but is making him go through training and job-hunting in the security field. Just like he's not letting me know till next summer whether I'll have a job next year or not, so I've got to prepare just in case I don't.

I have to believe that, with God's help, I can change my life. I can have these epiphanies, these paradigm shifts. And, like anything worthwhile, I'm going to have to work for it.

Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Brain, Change Your Life

Watched a youtube video by Dr. Daniel Amen on changing your thoughts, changing your brain, changing your life.The latest brain research shows that if you deliberately work on changing your thought patterns (you may need counseling and, at least initially, medication to jumpstart the process), you can create new neural pathways in your brain that will supercede the negative thinking ones and will help you change your life.

Your mind is, literally, in a rut. Changing your thought patterns (what some call a paradigm shift) gets you out of the rut.
That's why during a conversion experience (coming to believe in a power greater than yourself, especially one who loves you unconditionally and, for me, one who cared enough about me to become an insignificant baby born in the humblest of mangers, one who's been through everything I've experienced and can walk through it with me) people are able to make significant changes in their lives.

We all have mini-conversions and epiphanies throughout our lives. I think, for most of us, getting the band was a way to jumpstart getting out of the rut our brains have been in regarding food. I truly believe most of us were born with something different in our brains that made us prone to this particular addiction or rut. Life experiences deepened the rut until it became almost impossible to act differently when it came to food.

Thank God for the inspiration and creativity he puts in mankind that allowed for the invention of the LAP-BAND®. Now, when my mind says "Eat more!" the band interrupts that thought and says, "You can't!" Eventually, my brain will say, "I won't!" Down the road, over time, as the rut gets filled in and smoothed out by new paths, my brain will tell me less and less often, "Eat more!"

The 12 steps also work on helping to foster this paradigm shift in our brains. That's why its almost the only successful treatment for recovering from addictions. It creates that conversion experience or paradigm shift in the first three steps which have been summarized as: "I can't. He can. I'll let him." It's a system for cleaning out your old thoughts (stinkin' thinking) and behaviors and, with the help of God and other recovering people, replacing them with healthy thoughts and behaviors.

The Bible told us how to do that 2000 years ago. LOL.

Phillipians 4:8. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Mixed Feelings About Christmas

Going through a divorce and changing churches and remarrying and moving really messed me and my kids all up on family holiday traditions. Haven't been able to really get anything consistant going.

I also changed jobs along with the other changes--more than once, so building friendships has been very difficult. Thus, I have few non-family parties to go to.

My husband is also a loner for the most part so haven't been able to build couple's friendships either. One friend from church left the church suddenly. Another is now working 70 hr weeks and I believe I offended her so she ignores any overtures.

I'm also in a very wierd way caught between the black world and the white world. Hanging around black people so much at work and somewhat at church has made me no longer fit the white world very well, yet I'm not fully trusted and accepted in the black one either.

Being ADHD also can get in the way of friendships. I can be too frank and impulsive in what I say and too self-revealing. Scares people away.

I used to have a lot of friends in Alanon and we did fun things together, too. But when I remarried, my new DH didn't drink and making meetings became less of a necessity.I was also in a singles group where I was developing friends and that's where I met my DH which then took me out of the singles scene.

All the things that have gone wrong with my house, as well as having DS and DDIL and baby living in my house before that really put the kabosh on entertaining, though I was part of two church community groups in a row, both of which eventually fell apart. I did have them meet at my house sometimes.

Wierdly, the work I've done on myself in Alanon and in counseling and in reading tons of self-help books, as well as the work I've done bridging the gap between black and white, and the fact that I'm a much more independant thinking and behaving woman than most church women have all combined to make me not really fit in any group and to make it hard to find issues in common with other women. I can get by superficially but I haven't made deep friendships for a long time.

I tend to avoid really needy women because they bring out my own codependency issues and I get angry at them finally for not doing what they need to do to improve their lives. Other women are so busy rescuing the needy women that they have no time for relatively healthy friendships. They let these people suck up all their time and energy. I see so much of that in women in my church.

Also, so many events revolve around food and I think I've avoided those situations in order to keep from weighing even more than I eventually did.

I'm also uncomfortable in big group social settings--and that includes family ones. I invariably stick my foot in my mouth and end up over-eating to medicate my nerves and shut my mouth. When I was a kid I would take a book and read at family events. If kids wanted to play outside or run around inside and play actively, then I participated and had a good time.

I still will frequently find a relatively quiet place and talk to the one or two people who stop by, but I often wish I'd brought a book. So many people have nothing interesting to look at or read in their houses. Or they put it all away to straighten up the house for visitors.

At my daughter's on Christmas Day there is only one room for all the adults to be in, and it'll be crowded. I think I'll play with the kids except for when we're all together opening presents.

Christmas Eve won't be so bad. My sister-in-law's house has a room or two I can wander off to and get away from the crowd for a while. They'll also have booze, and booze, sad to say, does help. However, I never have more than two drinks. I really don't like the feeling of being even the least inebriated.

I have a lot of mixed feelings about the holidays. We were so ultra-religious growing up that we spent a lot of that time in church. Christmas Eve and Christmas morning services. New Year's Eve and New Year's morning. Nobody drank at all but there was always food at family functions which occurred after church, mostly with my mom's family.

We didn't really believe in Santa, but we opened presents on Christmas Eve.So I look forward to but I also dread the holidays. I allow myself more freedom to medicate with food at parties and try to not eat the days before and after. I'm sure I'm not the only one with mixed feelings.

So I'm writing about it to acknowledge and hopefully deal with these issues at this time of year. But I mostly am concentrating on the good things.

Abe Lincoln said, "Most people are as happy as they want to be."

This holiday I'm trying to concentrate on the good things, the noble things, the pure things, the lovely things. There's a lot of brain research that shows if you want to change your life, you have to change your brain. To change your brain and create new ways of thinking you have to deliberately work on changing your thoughts. The Bible got that right 2000 years ago.

Phillipians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Curmudgeons, Stress, and Food

I must be getting to be a regular curmudgeon. There is nothing on TV worth watching, or, if there is, its so buried in the 500+ cable choices I can't find it. My husband keeps recording the wierdest movies on the off chance one of them might actually be good. If they're "good" in the artistic sense, they're usually depressing.

I just can't sustain interest in them. I'm going to have to buy some books or go out every day so I'm not bored out of my mind this whole vacation.

I go on Lapband Talk and Facebook, but I've hidden so many people on Facebook and I never play games on there anymore. Facebook is becoming really boring, too. I still enjoy Lapband talk most of the time.

Christmas is tough. I so look forward to vacation but then I'm bored most of the days. I just want to get out of the house. I'll get some projects done, go see grandchildren, attend a few parties, and wish I had friends and money so I could actually go out and do more. Activities that don't involve food (and are cheap) are few and far between.

Working really makes it hard to have friends. Being a little wierd makes it even harder. The ADHD really interferes with friendship. I can't seem to not put my foot in my mouth. It's like I put the ADHD right out there in front and challenge people to like me anyway. Mostly I just scare them.

I just looked at the courses required to get my masters in reading or even an endorsement in reading. They look horrible. It would take several years to finish it, by which time I'll be 60.

RCS, where I work, is in deep do-do with the IRS due to several years of not paying their employee's social security taxes because they just didn't have the money to pay it. Bad decision. Didn't let people know the financial trouble the school was in. Now, despite the school being very well run by a new administration, and arrangements being made to pay back the IRS, RCS assets have been frozen. Certain funding came in and other funds were quickly raised to keep the school running and the teacher's checks from bouncing, but who knows what will happen next school year, or even second semester.

I know I could teach rings around a lot of teachers with masters degrees, but that degree makes me more hirable in my field. But I really don't want to go back to school. At all, ever again. I'm about ready to forget going back to school after looking at the courses I'd need to take. Maybe I'll do what my husband did and get security guard training. That's an area you can always get a job. Joke. For me anyway. Annie get your gun. For him, though, he can get a better class job maybe working a high rise or becoming a dispatcher, which you still need the security guard training and private detective license. He's about as intimidating as Barney Fife, but for a lot of these jobs you don't need to be intimidating at all. He can supplement social security income or work full-time if things get tough and we need benefits.

The Lord is going to have to provide. I'm giving up. It is just not worth it to get a masters. I'm going to try meeting with the school, but I don't need to be taking on student loans either. God has always made a way for me where there was no way. I'm going to have to trust him.

I had a good food day today--after two days of relative pigging out (not anywhere near like without the band). My stress level has been at its highest in a long time. And food is everywhere. I'm surrounded by all my favorite pig out food.

Some things I can't talk about on my blog, like family difficulties--because some relatives read this blog or talk to others about it. I hesitate to even talk about Roseland's difficulties. But these have been high stress points in my life right now. My financial situation, the problems with my house, these I can talk about. Myself, my ADHD,and my own psychological and personal issues I can talk about. But going "nekkid" about my family is another thing.

I've been able to write about those things on LapbandTalk where anything that could make us eat is fair game. But its been a long time since I had a good personal friend with whom it was safe to talk about anything and who also knows how to have fun. When I was in Alanon I had those kind of friends. When I was part of a singles group I also found some women with whom I became quite close. We, of course, had a major interest in common-in the first case, having been married to or impacted by a relative's drinking-in the second case having gone through divorce and now cautiously putting our feet in the water in the dating scene.

Now, I resort to the internet to find people with the same interest (the lapband and dealing with food) as me. I write in my blog to deal with many of my issues. But I really miss having a friend. Or two. Or three. I have work friends. But we don't socialize outside of work. At least I don't. We don't live close. We're all busy. Some of the young teachers have formed friendships, but most of them leave after a few years. It's also been difficult to make friends at church for various reasons--which again, I can't talk about on this blog.

So I can be surrounded by people and yet feel very alone. It could be that I'm really a loner. I've been thinking about that lately. I seem very social but am I? I'm very nervous in social settings and take refuge in food. I do well around just one or two people. So I'm not a loner, I just prefer more in-depth conversations where you actually get to know people. I just don't have much opportunity for that.

So, this is me being a curmudgeon. Exasperated by the current limits on my life, stressed by the personal, financial, family, and job related problems, and I can't even find a TV show to hold my interest.

But choir sounded good today. We sang twice. My husband now has the training to get a decent job. I'm still getting lots of compliments on my weight loss.

So God is good, even to curmudgeons. And he loves ADHD semi-loners who don't want to go back to school. He holds me in the palm of his hand. He's my Daddy. My Abba, Father. And he has plans for me.

Owww!!!

Ate a wonderful dinner at a Hibachi steakhouse. Ate slowly. Drank with the meal to help it slide through. Didn't feel pain. Drove home. Ow!

It just let up now. Delayed reaction? I wish my band had let me know sooner. I really need to get one more fill because I can eat too much at night. I mostly don't but I can. I was waiting because I didn't want problems with pbing over Christmas, and figured I'd really need the fill for maintenance stage which is only 8 lbs away.

As I lose the last eight lbs over this month and next the fat pad will shrink and I'll really need the fill. I found out my Dr. moved to California. Never did get to make a 3-month check up with him. He never did my fills. Now I know why.

I never got called back by the university I contacted to finish getting my M.A. I need to get ahold of a university that will work with me on getting my master's in reading. Unfortunately, I work when their offices work. I've got about 20 hours post-grad and tons of experience that ought to count for something.

I'm off next week but I supect the people I need to talk to will be off too. I wanted to start next semester but that might be asking too much of myself. I hate this stuff. So many forms, so many phone calls. All the stuff at which I'm no good.

However, those simple initials behind my name will give me more options if RCS goes under or the vendor hired to handle NCLB for Chicago Public Schools chooses not to hire me to work there.

I'm doing so well at my job. The weight loss has given me unbelievable energy. Now that its hard to walk outside I've been waking up early and going in to work where I walk the stairways (47 to the top floor), hallways, and around the gym. Got in 45 minutes this morning.

I'll need to go in early tomorrow to make up for tonight's dinner with colleagues. Also, I didn't eat much Monday, although I was at another party on Sunday night. Right now I'm kind of hoping to just lose a few lbs this month and not worry too much if I don't lose much else. January is another month.

Even though I'm working longer hours I have smaller classes and I feel like I'm at the top of my game teaching. I have built such good relationships with the kids. I have one good sized 7th grader who is frequently seized with intestinal issues just before lunch time. I always tell him, "Don't fall in."

Once he replied, "Don't worry, I know how to swim."

I once started laughing when I looked at one of my eighth graders who'd decided to shave stripes in his eyebrows. He'd been bragging to one of the other boys that "the chicks dig it." So I looked at him, started laughing, and said, "Chaka, I just can't take you seriously with those eyebrows." It was the first time I'd ever seen him speechless, while the other boys fell on the floor laughing. One of them came and gave me a hug after class and I understand it was the topic of lunch conversation that day. Nobody'll ever forget the day Mrs. Flory finally gave Chaka a dose of his own medicine.

My three eighth grade boys try to find more time to come to see me before they have a math test. One will show up before school. They'll eat lunch with me so I can go through stuff with them.

I have so much fun with these kids. To have to leave them would break my heart. I went to hear them play band or sing in choir at the Christmas program last Thursday. They'd been asking and asking me if I was going to come see them and hear them. I skipped my own church choir practice to do it. They were so proud of themselves. Amazingly, even the beginning band wasn't bad.

And I ended up having to get up in front at the last minute and help lead the audience in Christmas songs while the band members were changing into choir outfits and getting ready to sing. Didn't expect that. Had kids coming up to me and telling me how well I'd done. The whole thing was impromptu but fun.

God is good all the time.
All the time, God is good.